Sleep on it

Home. Family. Friends. Eat.

2012-01-13T15:38:00.005+01:00

(Photo adapted from Matt Bites: http://mattbites.com/2010/10/24/10-things-to-do-in-singapore/)

I'm coming home!! :) And I can't wait! Actually, I can barely believe that in 4 days, I'll be on a plane heading home for Chinese New Year. I haven't had Chinese New Year at home for the last 3 years, sad right, I know... But for this year, I was determined to have my CNY, so I'd booked my tickets in July 2011 when I saw there was a special offer with Lufthansa, so I got a pretty sweet deal on the flights. :)
I am sooo looking forward to spend time with my family and see some good friends again after one year. And of cos' eat, eat, eat...!! (until I explode... heehee.) Being away from Singapore for the last years has really helped foster my appreciation for our food culture at home, which, in my book, has no equals.
And relax in the smothering heat of Singapore, my well-deserved vacation since I have been working many a weekend in my new lab (not that I'd complain, I am quite happy in my new lab group but a break away from work is always welcome right? ^_^).

2011-11-01T17:15:00.006+01:00

(Photo: Flickr)

Autumn is...
Red & orange leaves, rain, more rain, wet shoes (eww...), and good news... ^_^

For 3 weeks now, I have transferred to a new department (Neuroscience) in the same institute, into a new team, new project and it's been like having promoted from the eighteenth depth of hell into heaven! The difference is so great. I no longer have to drag myself bodily to work, have fear and dread as my (only) constant companion at work because I'm afraid of when the boss comes looking for me, of having to see his angry face, of what he will say about me, not knowing what I will do each day, what time I can finish work each day, whether I can go for a coffee with colleagues or to the toilet (because if I'm not at my desk when he looks for me, I'm in trouble) etc etc...

My new boss is nice, approachable, almost always smiling, highly intelligent (at the age of 34, he has already 10 papers (1st & 2nd authorship), and is a team leader) but not arrogant (he asks me what I think when he gives me his opinion on my project!). I know I can go to his office to ask him questions anytime and he's there, or at least most of the time. We have a yahoo calendar where everyone in the team shares his/her experiment plans/holidays. He doesn't micro-manage me. My team-mates are all very nice too, they ask me to go for coffee together, or if I want to take lunch together. I can go on and on... :)

I actually feel like a real person now, not some stupid machine that sits around and waits for commands.

I have my very own project now, and I work again with animals (mice) which I realised I've missed, having had worked only with cells and bacteria the last 9 months before. I am happy with my work, so that I don't mind so much that I have to work harder in the remaining 2 years that I have which includes working full (9-hour) days on some weekends when I have experiments (for example, this weekend I'll have to work. I'm very thankful that I've had this chance to change my life. And that I've had friends who've pushed me towards this decision (because before the transfer I've had often doubts as to whether I should really request for this transfer). And for the prayers for me from those who knew about my situation before, I am grateful. And thank God for answering the prayers.

My Italian experience is hence improved somewhat. Ok, time to get back to work. :)

The last day

2011-08-31T10:25:00.003+02:00

of freedom.
Part of my brain seems to want me to bolt at the thought of this. I've been asked to take almost the whole month of August off, to think things through (I am sure the boss is very happy to get me off his hands). Before this, I'd sent an email of resignation to the boss of my boss, hoping he would then try to help me, but when he simply said, 'Ok, if this is your choice then I cannot do anything', I got suddenly worried. Do I really want to quit? What do I do then? So I told him that I wasn't really sure, that the email was a spur of the moment, maybe a mistake.
God knows it's been a tough time before, not only for me but also for the person who lives in the same house as me. I feel bad about that, I never meant to bring other people down in my stress and unhappiness.
And now I think, can I overcome the problems I had before with the difficult boss? I can do better, I've tried telling myself. But can I do it? Can I handle it when the road is hard and no one believes in you? I wish I could convince myself that I can do my best and finish this. But strange as it is, I think as I get older, the less sure I am of myself, and the less I am able to push pass all the doubts I have (and other people have of me) and try to prove myself to the people who do not believe I can make it, especially the ones close to my heart.
Of course, the easiest way out is always in the back of my head, I can just quit and head home. Home is always there for me, and for that I am eternally grateful. I know my family would have me back without hesitation, without questions, without accusations. That's what a family is about and I am glad I have that.
On this last day, I wish I could do some of the things I love most, eat the food I love, go for dragonboat training, my favourite gym classes, see my family and friends. For all these things that I cannot do now I will keep them in my heart and mind and maybe that will be my energy to go on! The energy that will keep me alive and to finish what I have set out to do until I can go home again, to go home not feeling like I have run away from difficulties in life but that I have overcome a hurdle and learnt something from it.
As I write, I begin to feel like I shouldn't feel saddened that no one (even the person with whom I share my life with now) believes in me but that I can put my mind to accomplish my goal, with determination. And to be continually seeking to improve myself.

I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.
- Philippians 4:13 (NIV)

It's been a good summer month of doing some things I enjoy (even if I was a little sad I didn't get to make use of this time to travel); cooking, baking, seeing my friends and relaxing. But now it's time I get back to reality.

A subconscious, inner cry for help...

2011-06-21T08:44:00.004+02:00

I woke up this morning with a terrible ache in my jaw, like someone has tied my upper and lower jaw together and was incessantly pulling on them. I didn't understand why I felt like this at first. As my brain started to gear up, I realised I must have been grinding my teeth while I sleep again. I don't know if I've always done this, I've never noticed it before arriving in Italy. The main suspect for the trigger is most probably stress. I know I tend to clench my jaw during the day when I am stressed. I am not sure I've ever felt as stressed as I have been here. In Germany I was stressed out with the workload in school and with merely trying to keep up with my brilliant classmates but somehow I never felt this bad.
My work here in the institute has been gradually and slowly improving. I was actually looking forward this week to continuing with my LCMS (liquid chromatography mass spectrometry) training with the analytical chemist who's been really nice to me and teaching me a lot. But I think with emotional tension, I don't handle myself or it very well. I wish I could get rid of it somehow. Sigh.
I count off my fingers one by one the stuff that has been bothering me. My homesickness have started to get better. So I guess the only thing left is that I don't process relationship problems well. Living under the same roof is tough, very tough. So much so that I wonder how other people do it. Most likely, I'm not made to be in one. As clear as if I was looking into a magical crystal ball that foresees the future, I see me destroying myself or the other person with the problems I create by being me, a complicated person.
Then when I feel troubled or sad, I also start to feel homesick, which makes me feel worse, and this becomes a viscous cycle (as I feel worse, I feel even more homesick and so that goes on...) As I think about how I won't feel like this when I'm home (like duh...), that makes me wish I was at home instead of here and then I am even more homesick... Ok, you get the idea. I want the comfort of home, of family, friends with whom I could talk and laugh with.
Yesterday, I was looking through the photos on my camera, thinking to myself that I should load them onto the computer and post some. In the last 2 weeks I was experimenting with some new recipes I came across (my sort of therapy) and was quite satisfied with the results. Also yesterday I did a nice hike with some friends up into the hills to visit an old abandoned fort which made a nice conclusion to the weekend. I think tonight or sometime later this week, I will sit down and make sure I write a happier post next with the photos. And not think about the unpleasant stuff. Right now, I just have to hope the very unpleasant ache in my jaw will be released and I can actually smile and laugh again. (It hurts quite a bit when I laugh.) I also have to get to the dentist. Maybe today if I can manage it, I'll go to the emergency room and ask if I can see a dentist today. I have a dentist appointment in July but I am not sure I should wait that long, else I'll break all my teeth at night! :(

A fight to the end!

2011-05-25T16:09:00.004+02:00

At least once a day I feel like kicking myself for choosing to come here for my PhD. After my less-than-satisfactory decision for my Master project, I'd made my decision hoping it would be a good one or at least a better one. But oh no, I merely continued in the string of bad decisions, some of the worst I could make in my student life.

Often in my mind's eye, I think about back on Germany, where things work, where life is simple and peaceful. And with the early summer heat here now, I close my eyes and imagine I am back home, where things also work and although not the small-town peaceful life, I have my family, friends and everything I love.

I try my best to think positive and try not to keep wishing I was someplace else (or kick myself for having made the worst decision ever - and that I've been forewarned before by several people). But it's so hard. It's so hard to be in such an unmotivating environment for science, simply sitting around waiting for something to happen, just like in waiting for Godot. A waste of time. Time that could be spent doing useful stuff for my PhD... Nothing. Day after day. It's almost 6 months now since I've been here. And yesterday I received my 'permesso di sorgiorno' (a card to show that I am legal here, for a year) after almost 4 months of running around governmental offices getting the paperwork done and then of course waiting for it. And guess what? It's supposed to be valid for a year, but I see the last day of validity on it is 31/12/2011. That means that after 6 months, I have to repeat the whole process of applying for this thing again, and paying the 100+ euros for it. But listen to this, my other foreign friends tell me I am considered lucky that I even got the card BEFORE it expired. There were people who actually had to wait so long for this stupid thing that when they received it, it was already expired and they had to start the process all over again immediately. hahahahaha... what a big joke isn't it? I am really surprised this country is still up and standing!

But I have to bite tight on my teeth (a literal translation from the chinese, 咬紧牙关 - which actually I do literally now too, so Steffen has told me since I arrived in this country. Hence I have a dentist appointment next month to check my poor teeth and get some teeth guard thingy for when I sleep) and get through with this. I am almost one-sixths through it. I shouldn't give up now!!! I looked through the bible for some encouragement and hope. And this particular verse caught my attention:
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

And of course one of my favourite verses:
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

And I hope and pray that things can only get better when you're in some of life's low valleys. Also hope that life's treating you better!

想家

2011-05-05T11:29:00.004+02:00

Some days homesickness hit like a physical blow to the heart, a pain in the stomach and feels only too real, indiscernible from an illness. It's not depression, or a mental or emotional problem, it consists of regular waves of feelings of missing my family, friends, comfort food which I so pine for sometimes and the organisation and efficiency of my country. And it's not that I do not appreciate the chance that I have of living abroad for a time which some may envy me for, but as the grass always seem greener on the other side, now and then, I find myself yearning for things I do not have at the moment. I remember a dream I had a while ago where I got to go home for the weekend. 'What an incredible luxury!' I remember thinking to myself in the dream! And when I woke up, inevitably, I wished I had a time/space machine to port myself home, just for the weekend.

I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of my feelings of homesickness and I don't think I ever want to do that. I love the country I come from, even with all her peculiarities (and in this period of elections; the politics) and definitely do not want to stay away for too long. Being away from Singapore makes me appreciate all the more what I have at home (you know, I am actually in a third-world country now...), my identity, culture, language and people.

The next three years here in this place will undoubtedly be the hardest I ever have to deal with, so I pray for all the strength and determination I could muster to complete this and look forward to the day I get to step back on home soil for good!

Mardi c'est jour de crêpes!

2011-04-06T15:16:00.007+02:00

The chef presenting his crêpes!

Yesterday, a French friend here at the institute, Jean Christophe, made crepes for us in celebration of his handing in of his PhD thesis a couple of weeks ago. It was expectedly super delicious! :D I had one the traditional way; with sugar and lemon juice, one with nutella, which goes without saying, and another with a mix of mixed berry marmalade, a few drops of cherry syrup and nutella. hee. *Sugar overload* But sooo good... ^_^

And plans have been made right after that we'll make galettes (savoury crêpes) on Sat! Yay!!! So good to have a group of French friends here! *happy* :) Sometimes I think it's funny that I am in Italy but mostly hanging out with the French (or at least French-speakers). Even though I can't say much in French (anymore, sadly) and I don't understand everything but I am grateful for the chance to hear one of my favourite foreign language regularly again, at least for now, till they're gone. :( Most times I listen quietly as they chatter, letting the sounds flow over my head; sometimes taking in some words, sometimes zoning out, absorbed into the melody.

I'm so looking forward to Sat already! And hopefully that'll get me through this mid-week hump. For now, I have to get back to reality, to my experiment.

Ruminations

2011-02-24T11:35:00.003+01:00

Will I ever find myself in the process of growing up? (I know, how can it be that I am still growing up?... Perhaps I should say, aging... haha.)

In this process, do joyous gains always have to be accompanied by painful losses (in terms of relationships, people)?

Will I ever know what I want in life?

Will I ever find the answers to my questions?

In bocca al lupo

2011-02-23T09:31:00.005+01:00

which means, literally, 'into the mouth of a wolf'. It's an idiom which means 'good luck' (don't ask me why, I've already asked my Italian colleagues and it seems that it could be related to the story of 'The little Red Riding Hood' but no one knows exactly why). And to this, one should not say 'Grazie' (thank you) in reply but 'Crepi!' which means 'May it die!'.
And my Italian colleagues went on to tell me that another Italian idiom for good luck is 'In culo alla balena!' (Into the ass of a whale!), and the response to which is 'Speriamo che non caghi!' (Hope it doesn't defecate!) hahaha... Funny huh? They added that this is a more 'vulgar' idiom and I shouldn't use it, for example, when talking to my boss.
A quick search online led me to a page with Italian proverbs on Wikiquote and there was another variant to say good luck: 'In groppa al riccio!' (On an hedgehog's back!), and the appropriate response is 'Con le mutande di ghisa! (Wearing underpants made of cast iron!)
Learning a new language is tough (a lot of brain cells have to be summoned in the process which proves more difficult the older one gets), but is very interesting seeing how it brings me that bit closer to the culture, and hopefully, when I can understand more and speak, its people. :)

Of work, new friends and settling in

2011-02-17T11:50:00.004+01:00

After almost a month of sitting at my desk staring at journal articles (and them staring right back at me!), I've started real work. Work that involves pipettes, lab coats, gloves, the dreaded googles, the lab bench, cell culture and microbiology labs. Exciting...! :)

My first experiment, just completed today, waiting quietly for analysis next week in the -80°C freezer. And we've also transformed some E.coli this week. 'Transformation', I like that word. :D

And one of the best things that's happened since I've started work here in the institute is that I've met a group of really nice and fun fellow scientists, none of them from my department, most of them from the robotics labs. We seem to be on the same wavelength and have since hung out together quite regularly, for coffee break, lunch, dinner and movie etc. They have really been very welcoming to me and are now including me in the group's activities. We are mostly foreigners, with the exception of one Italian girl who joins us sometimes.

I don't think all the Italians are unfriendly (or dislike foreigners though I've heard that there's a group of Italian fascists here in the institute), it's just that I don't think I'd ever get into the cliques in my department because I don't speak their language (just yet, I hope I would be able to speak it in the near future). They have lunch and coffee breaks in their own little cliques. Although I've tried to join them for lunch sometimes but because all the conversations are in Italian, I can only sit in silence, minding my own business. So lunch break with our foreigner clique is the highlight of my work day. ^_^ I am really glad I got to know them, otherwise I would be right lonely here in the institute. But even as I got to know them, I hear that most of them are almost done with either their PhDs or close to the end of their contracts here. I am already feeling a bit sad just thinking of the inevitable farewells.

I've been bunking with a good friend of mine for the time being, until Steffen is back and can fix the rusty bath. It's really nice to have a friend for a flatmate now but I can't wait to move into the flat which I can call my own and really settle down, not having to live out of suitcases. Just over a week till I can start doing that. Looking forward to it. So much that has to be done in that place before it looks like a home. And so many things I want to do... I want to start doing some sports again soon (else I'm not going to fit in my clothes!! The horror!!!), and I miss taking pictures. Weather's not been very good lately, lots of rain. I wish I could learn to have a better eye for capturing not obviously beautiful scenes. Some of my friends take such amazing pictures! And of cos' I want to take more time to learn Italian.

It's not been the easiest journey getting here (as I have lamented so many times before, the Italian bureaucracy is, as I and many others who've experienced it, a complete nightmare) and I'm glad that support from loved ones have not let me give up on what will be (I hope) a fanastic learning experience.

"I discovered I always have choices and sometimes it's only a choice of attitude."

Waves of nostalgia

2011-01-20T17:50:00.002+01:00

swept in without warning, pulled me out on its currents.
In its wake, I allowed myself to indulge in the stored memories it called up.
How interesting, how amazing the concept of memories is;
Chemical reactions, connections formed, which when strengthened will be stored within networks of a specialised type of brain cells called neurons.
Some memories, as if actually etched into the brain, are so vivid like they've only just happened yesterday;
Others, so different from your current reality, of situations and people changed, seem so faded it makes me wonder if I might have dreamt them up or were they just part of my active imagination? A make-believe mistakely stored as a memory?
I can't help feeling melancholic.
Does the heart recall emotions as the brain does?
Because the feelings attached to those memories return as I recall.
Beautiful, bittersweet memories, of good times, are meant to be savoured, I like to think, so long as I do not get trapped in the past of what could have been.
An email, like a fingersnap within my brain, I wake from the hypnosis, roused from my musings.

Carpe diem

2011-01-11T18:10:00.001+01:00

2011 seemed to have creeped up on me, quietly, without fanfare. Maybe it’s because I missed all the action of a New Year countdown since I was waiting, a little despondently, at the boarding gate at Changi airport for my flight to Milan just past midnight.

The almost-a-month’s time that I spent back home in Dec was a breath of fresh air, a much-needed recharge (a little strange when I think about it because I haven’t really done anything since). A good friend of mine in Genova just told me yesterday while catching up over dinner that when she first met me, I was a happy person, but towards the end of Nov, I seemed really miserable and unhappy. So, she’s glad to have the happy me back now. I think, the long time (at least to me) of doing nothing of much consequence made me feel really useless, hence the misery. Guess even my love for cooking and the Italian classes didn’t manage to get me out of the rut I’d started to fall into. I spent most of my time at home, helping my mum out with housework, because her shoulder was dislocated in an accident in September which she didn’t let me know about because she didn’t want to worry me while I was away. In the recent years, either it’s because she considers me an adult now or it’s because I’m away from home, my mum has opened up to me and it was so nice just spending time with her, chatting while we worked, cooked, shopped, or watched her fave evening soap on tv. This plus some time with my sis, dad and some friends really brought my spirits up. I find, with the wisdom of age, I’ve learnt to cherish my family and the time I have with them a lot more.

Today’s my 2nd day at work, nothing much has happened yet except that I received my woek laptop (a brand-new Toshiba in a rather nice laptop bag with the institute logo) and the security pass on my first day!!! I was so amazed, that’s super efficient by Italian standards! I was only stranded without a computer for half a day! (Steffen didn’t get his work laptop until after 2 months of working, and that’s the usual Italian ‘efficiency’.) Though I only got the security pass because I went to the secretary yesterday afternoon to ask for help with paperwork stuff (yup, I’ve not seen the end of the red tape yet…) and there the pass was, sitting in a folder on her desk. I’ll bet she wouldn’t have bothered to come and give it to me if I’d not come to her.

In any case, I am just happy to be able to finally start work, though I have nothing to do this week because my supervisor doesn’t start till next week. So, I occupy myself reading papers and trying not to fall asleep while doing it, interjected with the occasional surfing on the www and right now, catching up on my blog. Oh ya, and on first impressions, my colleagues seem friendly and helpful; so far a few of the Italian colleagues have come by my desk to help get some of the various administrative things straightened out. :)

Because I couldn’t keep my eyes open an hour ago, I went to level 2 to say hi to Hanako, a Japanese girl I met in the English church here in Genova who grew up in Singapore. She’s a really nice girl and we had a coffee together and she’s invited me to a cheese fondue dinner at hers/her Swiss boyfriend’s place this Thurs! :) I’m looking forward to it! It’s so nice to have company in the evenings so I’m not just sitting alone at home since Steffen’s gone back to Germany for work for a couple of months (Lucky him, his turn to go home).

So, even though the second half of my 2010 wasn’t the most ideal (though I must add that I am blessed with some really sweet friends – you know who you are – who gave me some really nice Christmas presents ;D), I think 2011’s started out well. In the coming years, I will work to learn and improve, in various aspects of life, strive to do my very best on my project (so I can finish on time and come home!), and hope for some good results along the way. Fingers crossed. ^_^

Chicken soup for the body and soul

2010-11-20T14:55:00.010+01:00

Rain rain go away, come again another day...

The weather in winter here reminds me of the end-of-year weather in Singapore. A quick chat with my dad just now confirmed that it's been raining back home.

I don't really mind rainy weather, as long as I am at home, nestled in bed or on the couch with a book or the internet... haha.

The day began well, with a few funny episodes of 'The big bang theory', an omelette breakfast and a successful attempt at making soup out of a celeriac (celery root) that I'd mistaken for a kohlrabi (German turnip/turnip cabbage) at the market, carrots, potatoes, onions and chicken bones from a roasted chicken. And the soup turned out a real treat. :D So comforting on a rainy day and the homemade stuff even possesses special healing powers for a cold (so said the poor thing sniffing and blowing his nose the whole day).

Lately, I've had some fortuitous experiments in the kitchen that I concocted out of available ingredients in the fridge, namely pasta and rice and salad dishes which were quite surprisingly yummy! For example, home-made gnoochi (only when time is not a problem. No pictures because it's always so messy after I've made them but I will try to take some when I do make them again), milk rice, ricotta and marscapone & ricotta cheesecake ... and hopefully I can add more to this list as time goes).
So far, the cooking and my Italian classes are the things keeping me sane in this seemingly-endless waiting time for the Italian bureaucracy. And speaking of which, it seems like there's now a final solution to my problem. I have been accepted into the university's PhD program (Thank God!) and I will be able to start in Jan 2011. 'Isn't that perfect?' My big boss had said to me, on the day that he called me and summoned me urgently to his office in the institute (which I had to travel for an hour and a half on various transport mediums: bus, train, bus, foot, to get to) just to tell me, in a less-than-10-minute conversation that this is what we'll do. Sigh. And I had wanted to start in July/ August. Sigh. All that lost time... :(

I am slowly getting used to the slow ineffective Italian system. I have to, otherwise I think I would die of frustration. Often, I can't believe I am in Europe. 'Italy is a second-world country!' Steffen says.
It no longer upsets me as much when things don't work here. It is a bonus if things work out. The Italians I've met think in this way too. haha.

Many a time I question myself, why I was so dumb to pick this country. (So have manay people who were surprised in Germany when I said I'm going to Italy for my PhD.) But the saving grace of all this is that in the times that I've visited the institute and met my future colleagues (Italians and otherwise), the environment and people have left me with a good feeling. I think it'll work out in the end. I think God will help work it out. :)

Sunset

2010-10-23T13:32:00.005+02:00

Like glowing orange flames spreading over the sea,
etching the silhouette of the western hills,
making them stand out in the cloud mist surrounding them.
Layers of warm colours; a sweet pretty pink like cotton candy, orangey-red reminding me of blood oranges, the yellow of yolk, contrasting with the blue of the sky.
A few lone fishing boats visible in the distance,
fisherman bringing in their nets,
signalling the end of the work day.
The last seagulls circling in the air, looking for a late snack before settling in for the night.
In the east, the moon is already out, almost full.
Made me think of a round piece of cheese with holes in it and edges nibbled off by a hungry little mouse.
Taking in the picturesque image took my mind off being in a crowded bus, full of people eager to get home, rattling along on the uneven road.

Progress

2010-10-19T18:22:00.003+02:00

The last few days have seen some progress of sorts for which I am thankful for. I met some nice people through Steffen (mainly his colleagues), got a letter from the institute that I need to apply for my 'codice fiscale' (tax code) that everyone living in Italy needs, received word from the HR department that the 'Nullaosta' I need to apply for my visa at the Italian embassy in Singapore will probably be ready around 10 Nov (but I am still keeping my fingers crossed, hopefully it won't be delayed yet again), got my offical 'codice fiscale', signed the contract for the apartment yesterday (and paid up the 2-month rent that will not be returned so that now I am broke), and attended my first Italian class today where the teacher was very nice and among my classmates was also a very sweet chinese girl with whom I've made friends with.

Once in a while, unpleasant things happen (conflicts always occur when people are close) and times when I miss home and wish I hadn't chosen to come here but when I count my blessings, I have more than enough to be grateful for.

It really made my day today that I managed to find the school which someone in the Anglican church I visited last Sun recommended to me and was able to join the class.

With the very vague instructions given to me, it took almost 2 hours of walking up, down, here and there and people pointing me in all sorts of different directions until luckily, an Italian lady who spoke German walked me to the right place. Phew!

I am determined to do my best to learn the language before I have to start at the institute. As my sister would say, 'Fighting!' :)

Dessert for lunch

2010-10-08T10:45:00.014+02:00

Very often, I would surf food blogs to ogle at the beautiful pictures and wish I could make my blog as lovely to look at as theirs. But unfortunately, I am no chef (I love to cook, but the food I cook, though edible, hardly ever turns out photo-worthy) and my photography skills are still, regrettably, not there yet (for lack of a better way to say, no good).

Thinking of what to cook everyday for lunch AND dinner makes a great big headache, as I have learnt since I've started living overseas. (I understand fully my mom's woe now! Hence, I welcome any ideas for cheap and easy-to-make lunches or dinners!) There're no nice & cheap hawker centres here in Europe to go for lunch! However, years ago, in Paris, there was the rather nice canteen near our workplace where food prices were subsidised so I could afford to go there during lunchtime with my colleagues. And in Tuebingen there was the mensa (actually, for the most part, I didn't care for it because the food was not great, other than the salad bar, but that was a bit on the high side for a student since the cost is by weight). The bakeries in Germany though are a lifesaver! There's such a variety of yummy breads you can buy at afforable prices. And the bretzels, oh my, do I miss them! :)

Right now, before my papers are ready (still waiting, not much progress... sigh) and I can start work, I play 'housemaker' = grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing. (Oh ya, and watching dramas online of course! :p) And sometimes, when I feel hardworking, I also try to learn some Italian from the internet and books that I can get my hands on.

Yesterday, the 'breadwinner' has suggested that I make milk rice pudding (Milchreis in German and Riz au lait in French) for lunch. A dessert for lunch? I used to think that a very strange idea. I don't think in Singapore we eat a sweet item for lunch (or dinner). But in Schwabenland (South Germany), where they love sweet stuff as I've been told, it is not uncommon.

I hope later I can post a little picture of my attempt at making above-mentioned dish. Will try hard to make it look presentable. :)

Milk rice pudding with sautéed apples

It's almost the weekend! (Though for me now it doesn't make much of a difference, the weekdays and weekend, but it does mean getting out and exploring the area, I hope.) So, have a good one, peeps!

The country of coffee, pasta, pizza, gelato

2010-09-27T11:27:00.004+02:00

This feels familiar, a foreign land, foreign language, though not-so-foreign food. Right now, for me, this is a land which represents the troubles which I've had so far. Though I must say that it is rather nice city, very interesting landscape, a combination of hills and the sea. (and I do so love the sea!)
Last week I visited the institute for a quick meeting and attended a symposium on Friday with interesting talks and good food. I really do like the department where I would (hopefully) do my PhD. There's been a new problem (derived from a misunderstanding) that could be a huge tripping stone in my PhD application at the university. Right now I can only pray that God will work a miracle so everything will work out ok.

I miss how everything works in Germany, their efficiency, my friends and also the bretzels that I've grown to love. And as always Singapore too. It is probably not so bad that I have to fly back home (at my own expense) to get my visa done because I would get another chance to see my family this year. Am learning to think of the positive things in this crappy situation.

I think it's lucky that my temporary accomodation is near the sea (there's a sea view!) and yesterday I went with some friends to get some sun and just relax. I am surprised to see the whole beach with copper bodies! Everyone's so tanned here! I got a little bit burnt because I didn't have any sunscreen with me (and neither did my friends) but luckily it wasn't too bad.

Think I'll go take a walk along the beach now. :) Hopefully I can update with more positive news in the next weeks.

The way to 'Heaven'

2010-09-19T12:57:00.003+02:00

I spoke too early. Almost everything that could have gone wrong on Friday (17 Sept) did. The plan was to pick up my translated documents from the translation agency in Stuttgart first thing in the morning then go to the the Italian Embassy to get it legalised. First, the agency charged much more for the translation (about 5 times more!) than what the agency initially said. Then at the Embassy, the old Italian lady said the translation cannot be recognised by the Embassy in Stuttgart because the translator was not one from the region of Baden-Württemberg, even if she is a certified translator. I think devastated was a good description of how I felt when I heard her say that.

Steffen had helped me along the whole process of all the idiotic bureaucracy, in the brginning with emotional support and now with calling all the translators in the Tuebingen and Stuttgart region and drove me all the way to Stuttgart to the agency then to the Embassy. Without his help and support, I would have given up on this a long long long time ago. One of the only 2 English-Italian translators we found in the region is too busy to do the translation and the other is away on holiday.

It was decided to use the agency for the translation because we couldn't find another person who could do it and the original price they quoted is quite cheap. He also told them a few times that we need this document for the Embassy so it has to be certified translators and if they could do that. They said definitely and we could then breathe a sigh of relief. But it turned out that that was not the case when we went to the Italian Consulate in Stuttgart. We had to then find the lady in Stuttgart who is certified (she was too busy to do the translation for us) and begged her to put her stamp and sign it again for us. We then called her and went to her address stated in the list of the embassy, but didn't see her name on the mailbox. We rang the bell, hoping someone might be home, tried calling her (but there was no answer) and waited fruitlessly outside her door until a thought occurred to us that with my luck (or rather the non-existence of it), she might have moved recently and didn't have her address on the list updated yet. True enough, when we checked her signature at the end of her email correspondence, it was a different address. Luckily, she didn't move too far away (her new address was 'Im Himmel' which in german meant 'in heaven') and after some wrong turns and asking around, we found our way to 'Heaven'. The envelope was dropped in her mailbox and we left, crossing our fingers that nothing else would go wrong. Thankfully, she rang later in the day and said we could pick it up the next day when we had time.

The next day, we made our way again to 'Heaven' and picked up my documents. I was to go on my own the next Monday to Stuttgart again to hand in the documents at the Consulate. The dreaded Monday came and Steffen's dad was kind enough to drive with me to Stuttgart to face the Italians. Amazingly after some discussion, the Italian lady said it's ok for now and she will send my documents over to Italy (I had to provide an envelope with the required postage) when it's done.

The next few days was packing up and cleaning out my stuff before leaving the land of wurst and bier for the coffee, pasta and pizza country.

Back in the land of the wurst and bier

2010-09-16T11:56:00.005+02:00

Brrrr... chilly... my first thought when I came out from Stuttgart airport. It felt both foreign but at the same time, familiar. Much like how I feel when I got home to Singapore, but in Singapore the familiarity is felt in my blood and bones, so to speak, much deeper.

The last weeks in Singapore was mostly enveloped in uncertainty and despair. Slowly I managed to get up, wobbly, on my feet. The decision to go ahead and fly back to Germany first was not an easy one. Not unexpectedly, as indecisive as I am, I am suspended half the time between delaying my flight till I get my visa or going ahead with the flight to Germany.

Now that I am here, it didn't seem a bad decision to come back here first I think. Seeing my friends in Tuebingen again was a pleasure and the spending time with the sweet family in Metzingen has been good too. I still miss my family of course and friends (and food! hee) back home.

There has been some hiccups while we were trying to get the translation for my Master certificate (ah ya, another hurdle!) but now it seems like it will be ok. (crossing my fingers!) And hopefully in a month or so I would be able to come home and apply for my visa. I think God is trying to teach me patience here. There were so many times I got tired of waiting and was upset and angry with life. But my friends who're much stronger have helped me realise that there's so much in life I should be grateful for and count my blessings. And slowly I learn that all I can do now is to pray and trust that all will end up ok. Nothing much else I can do except the best I can with the documents and stuff.

Hopefully I'll have better news in the future posts. :)

Tired

2010-08-26T12:14:00.000+02:00

of everything in life,
of the failures,
of doing nothing,
of waiting for nothing.

I have been back in Singapore since June, then elated to be home. Now, months of doing nothing much important has slowly evolved into feelings of uselessness, helplessness at the Italian bureaucratic red tape that results in seemingly infinite waiting, along with the spoiled b*rstard in the family making life at home difficult as usual with his mere presence, is pushing me into the deep, dark well of negativity. I know the problems that I have encountered are nothing compared to those of people out there struggling just to survive. But I am going out of my mind just sitting around, the goal I had before slowly being thrown out the window, the forseeable future unknown and unsure.

'How did I come to be in this position?'
'What am I doing still trying to be a student at my ripe, old age?'
'How did I manage to make a bad decision time after time after time?'
Questions running through my head that I will not have answers to.

I wish I could do useful things with my time, like go to work so I could look forward to the next holiday, or even just the weekend, for example. Having an extended holiday, not having to work is great, but I am not one to be able to sit on my bum for long. Even though I told myself that when I am back in Singapore, I will exercise and do all the things that I've missed. But I have become so unmotivated and lazy. I can't drag my ass to go to the gym and the few times I do, I could only feel sad at how weak and unfit I have become. And then going to the gym only feels depressing. I tried to do my favourite sports but I do not belong to a team anymore and as it is a teamsport, I just couldn't be as enthusiastic about it as I was.

I tried my hand at baking, something that usually is like a form of therapy to me (as retail therapy is for some). And out of 3 times I have maybe succeeded once. I am so tired of failing, in all areas of my life. It sounds like being a hermit would suit me best. So tired. I wish I could close my eyes and never wake up again.

Resurrected...

2010-08-04T13:04:00.004+02:00

Being back home in Singapore is such a comforting feeling that I wonder if I could ever leave again. It's been really good meeting up with old friends, spending time with my family. Was supposed to catch a flight back to Germany on 29 July but with God's blessing, I managed to change my flight (at no extra costs) so I could stay a month longer and try to get my study visa for Italy. It's the first time I am so happy to come back from the airport, not catching my original flight.

In this month, (with fingers and toes crossed!) I really hope I can get stuff I need done so that I could leave for Europe with a peace of heart. It's with a heart of gratitude that I spend the next days here in Singapore (*touchwood* but it really feels a bit like a person on deathbed given more days to live).

Little things that make me smile

2010-05-07T00:58:00.003+02:00

In my boredom between working on my thesis and watching my current Japanese drama fav, JIN, I changed the theme on my Firefox browser to something that made working on the computer that bit easier (sweeter! see below :D)...

Have a nice day and a lovely weekend ahead, everyone!
(From the faraway, many-timezones-behind continent)

Both feet on the ground

2010-05-07T00:41:00.002+02:00

Landed. Safely in Phoenix, Arizona on Tuesday, 4 May, after a grueling close-to-15-hour travelling time, 'accompanied' by a non-functional in-flight entertainment system on the long leg of the flight (London to Phoenix). It was needless to say, a really boring 15 hours. I tried catching up on lost sleep the last 2 nights (Sun night in Heidelberg preparing for my interview-presentation and Mon night spent packing). Sleep came in the form of staccato notes; short and restless.

As usual, I had left in a rush, and there was no time for me to reflect and be sad about leaving. But in those timeless hours up in the air, I stared out the window and let my mind wander. I miss my friends already, especially the German family that I've had the luck in the last couple of months to come to know and love.

In the week leading up to my departure, I'd often found myself wishing I'd booked a later flight to spend a few more days in Tuebingen, get everything done and have enough time to bid farewell. Or even to have booked a direct flight home instead. After more than a year and a half away, the one thing I really want to do is to go home.

But now that I am here, I am determinded to make the best out of it (after I finish writing up my thesis that is). Am frantically trying to finish it in the next days so I can finally put this behind me and put my feet up (or let my hair down). After a whole day of sleeping yesterday, I have been rather productive today, I must say. hee. Hence am letting myself have a break now and write something else. :)

Maybe I could even go to the pool for a bit. (Or just watch some Japanese dramas!) Gosh I feel lazy... I might still be able to use the 'I'm jetlagged' excuse today and start getting off my ass (to the gym and pool) tomorrow. We'll see. It's perpetually over 30 degrees out here.

P.S.: A quick add-on to the Heidelberg interview - I received a last-minute invitation (before I leave Europe) to go for an interview in the university there. I thought it went ok, and the little time I had to look around the city left me with a good impression. The group leader seemed nice (American) and he said he will let me know again (after he has interviewed other candidates). The lab members were nice to me that day so overall it was a good albeit short trip. ^_^

11 more days

2010-04-22T11:56:00.005+02:00

Words escape me these days. I am up to my neck in the lab; trying to finish as much as I can in the last weeks I have so I can include more results in my report. In a way, I have had my fill of research and experiments for now. The lab is starting to become a place I have to drag my feet to.

Friends ask me when we meet whether I have reached a decision; what I will be doing, where I will be going. I don't have a good, sure answer. I wish I do. As it looks now, Italy has received most of the votes (of friends) and I know that I am leaning more towards that too.

Recently, there's been a rather positive reply from a lab in Heidelberg, but nothing more discussed as yet since the person-in-charge is still waiting for a reply from my Professor (my reference) in Tuebingen.

The near future feels like a swamp, and I am trying to make my way through it, wadding along, uncertain where to step, the ground below my feet unstable, at times not holding up under my weight.

I am tired; of being a student, being away from home, having to think things through over and over, hoping I don't make a decision I will regret (as I did for my Master thesis), wondering if I actually want to go on with research, at least 3 more years of it.

Can't wait to go home, back to my family, friends, the familiar environment, Singapore.

Counting down

2010-03-17T15:59:00.002+01:00

to my holiday, to going home.

Work has picked up pace a little recently (and so it should). I can't wait to be finished in the next month and a half.

The big question in the next months: what (& where) next? I wish an answer would drop from the heavens and land in my lap. ha.

Thoughts run like trains on a tight schedule, on too many tracks through my head and I can barely make sense of it sometimes. I wish life was easier. I wish I didn't have to think. My mind, as if surrounded by a thick mist, drifting off on its own while I was washing the cuvettes I used in the lab just now, one of them slipped and broke in the sink. I should be more focused. Am now waiting to see if my experiment today worked (cross fingers, toes and eyes!).

Maybe a run later will help clear the head. Made myself go for a short run yesterday evening which was good though my throat hurt from the cold dry air and I couldn't stop coughing afterwards. I need to find my motivation for exercising again. Will help the brain work better.

Escape

2010-03-01T18:24:00.006+01:00

A weekend at a friend's out of Tübingen, though not too far away, but it took me into a nice German family; funny, warm, welcoming. Made me wish I didn't have to go home to my room in Tübingen and back to work in the lab.

Writing from Genova

2010-02-16T18:50:00.005+01:00

From Stuttgart Flughafen to Paris CDG, then Aeroporti di Roma before finally reaching my destination, Genova. Spanning 3 borders, 3 languages, 2 of which I felt at home with.

The journey wasn't as bad as I had imagined it would be. Though I had barely slept an hour on Sun, doing some last-minute touchups on my presentations. Managed to catch a few winks on the 3 short flights I was on.

Genova has an interesting landscape, in that it is sandwiched between mountains just behind it and the sea in front of it. I walked around the old town and the port a little yesterday afternoon, after I arrived. Tried focaccia and spaghetti with pesto, 2 of the specialties here. The fresh pesto is quite different from the ones you get in a bottle, of cos. Much much nicer. And the focaccia is excellent, though a bit oily, since they drizzle over the bread a generous dose of oil (olive oil I believe?).
The city's full of tall (relatively speaking, for Europe) buildings because they have land constraints due to their perculiar landscape. It is as chaotic (a good word would be lifely) as little Tuebingen is neat and orderly (in the way Germans are).

Talk/interview went well. *Phew* The big people were happy with it and hence had, just now, offered me a PhD position, starting next Jan. And in between August and then, a few months of work in the lab with some sort of stipend. So now, the ball's on my court. And how I dread decisions... Sigh... And it seems that for me, there's never any clear winning side. There's always pros and cons to one and the other. In this Genova institute, I like how they are very similar to the structure of a pharma and the work that is scheduled to be done here (the labs are work in progress but the department will officially be opened in April). They said they'd match the PhD salary I'd get in Germany and throwing in possibly 8-9months in California, in the pharmacology lab of the Prof who's also the director of this department.

But on the other hand, I have grown to like the peace and quiet of Tuebingen, and the friends I've made, my church, and I know my way around the labs which I have worked in. Moving would mean I would have to start all over. I really don't know. And I really don't want to make a bad decision (as I felt I have for my Master thesis), this would affect the next 3-4 years of my life!

I don't have to reply them straightaway so I will have some time to sleep on it. I don't want to think about it now really. Guess I will go back to the hotel now and rest. Another long trip tomorrow...

2010-02-14T01:50:00.002+01:00

The last 2 days, back in an all too familiar situation; stuck alone underground with animals (mice this time) the whole day (not that I disliked it, I was quite happy to be back on acquainted territory), my mind drifted off, it being dispensable in the routineness of the tasks and where the quietness of the room proved to be conducive for a trip down memory lane. As if viewing a short film in my head, random images, of past events, places, people, flashed before my mind's eye.

It felt like I was an outsider, sneaking a peak into someone else's life or a distant past, familiar, yet foreign. Age does that to you, maybe? I barely recognise myself in the treasured pictures sitting on my desk in front of me, pictures I brought from home. On Skype this morning with my family, even the room I shared with my sister has changed; it's no longer ours, but hers. Has my nephew started primary school? The little one whom I used carry in my arms to hoax him to sleep? And there's a second one I haven't met. In a recent email from a good friend, 'Haha coming back eh. A lot of changes in SG. It's like they renovated the skyline. You should have fun exploring.' Exploring?? Me?? A tourist in the home I grew up in?
The world has gone ahead with her revolutions and left me behind, running, panting, struggling to catch up.

Have I aged so much in the past year and a few months? Do I like who I am now? What have I achieved, if anything, by choosing this path?

Maybe, just maybe, if I had a chance to do over, I would have chosen to stay home, maintain the status quo then and not try to be so ambitious.

But, there's no way back now though, is there???

I refused to let the moistness in my eyes flow over. I will not cry.
So, try as I would, I would finish this route I started out on. The last bit is always the hardest, isn't it?

To all my friends and loved ones out there, I wish you happiness (definitely something I need now eh?), content and health in this Lunar New Year. Oh, and a happy Valentine's day too.

Just for today

2010-02-14T00:35:00.001+01:00

If it were the last thing on earth I could wish for, I want to be home, just for today.

Putting Descartes before the horse

2010-02-05T14:09:00.000+01:00

was a phrase I learnt while reading the International Herald Tribune's article on Tuesday, "Trace of Thought Is Found in ‘Vegetative’ Patient".

So that little random bit of did-you-know aside, I think work's slowly, albeit very slowly, moving and that helps me feel a bit better. Someone said to me lately, the results do not matter so much, it's whether you show scientific reasoning (or a scientific way of going about the experiments) in your thesis that matters. I sure hope this is true...

A good friend of mine (also my German 'teacher', she really helped me a lot with learning the language) has invited me to go to her parents' place in Aalen for the weekend. I reckon it'd be nice to spend time with a German family. Am looking forward to it! :) Though I'll probably have to try to get some work done (prepare for my interview/talk in Italy in a couple of weeks) while I'm there, with my laptop in toll.

Have a good weekend, peeps. ^_^

Anyone has motivation to spare?

2010-01-27T20:53:00.001+01:00

First I should excuse myself; apologies for my whining/ranting posts today. Writing, for me is usually cathartic, that's why I write.
I can't seem to feel positive for more than an hour. I tried, believe me, I did. And failed, miserably.

I'd wanted to go for an exercise class this evening, maybe that would have helped me feel better. But because of the waiting (see aforementioned) and starting so late, it was too late to go. I came home, tried to do some exercises, finished my assigned ones and didn't feel any different. No sweat, I was not good enough, so weak compared to what I was before.

Everywhere I looked, everything I thought about just seem so hopeless.
I remember days like this before. But those were times when I had a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, a home, a family to go back to.
There's no family here but sure I have good friends here too but I'm embarrassed to just call someone up and say 'hey, I don't feel so good in my head'. I think I am at the end of this road. I want to go home, I want to see my family, talk about everyday stuff to my mum, my sis, I want to hang out with people who've known me for ages, I want hugs. :'(

Having to work with selfish idiots drive me crazy!!!

2010-01-27T16:08:00.005+01:00

Argh!!! I need to punch something!!!

I've come to realise that one of the PhD students (and this miserable group has only 2) in my current lab is super selfish. He doesn't want to teach you stuff, he gives excuses and tries to push it off when you ask him to show you something, is very defensive ('Why do you need to do this?' 'How come you're also doing this?' - in Mandarin of cos' since his English is so cmi!) when you ask about the techniques or animal model in his project because you also need to use it in your project.

I have been waiting the whole afternoon for him to show me perfusion in a mouse. Even though the boss had also asked him to show it to me, he had been just happily sitting at the computer, ignoring my requests (multiple times I asked him today). And I am on a time crunch because I'd planned to bring my tissue samples afterwards to the other lab (and also in general, since I have to be finished by the end of April). *sigh*

I can't help but regret that I chose to stay here. Am so unhappy. And in comparison, when I go to the other lab (where I could have been if I had made the right choice), I feel so much better. The PhD students there are much much more knowledgeable, helpful and nice.

*Haiz* I take back what I said in the earlier post. Today's not better. I can't wait for this (thesis) to be finished. :(

The day after tomorrow

2010-01-27T12:14:00.004+01:00

(today) is better.

I spent yesterday sleeping lots at home since I woke up with a huge headache. Lucky for me, in my first lab (the one which I know I now much prefer and hence I've been regretting my initial decision to stay in this 'Chinese' lab for my Master thesis) there's a ZV (Zivildienst - a civil service work the 18-/19-year-old boys here in Germany can choose to do if they don't want to do military service) who helped me continue with day 2 of the in-situ hybridisation experiment which I started on Mon.

Also watched a few episodes of a Jap drama 'Tokyo Dogs'. Snacked a lot. In short, I was a pig. ha.

A piece of good news arrived in the form of an email late last night. From an Italian group in Genova to which I sent my application last year. They want me to visit the lab (travel expenses and accomodation covered!) for 2 days in Feb. :) I have to give a presentation (20-25 minutes) and be prepared to be interviewed (talk to people from the lab). I am a bit worried about the talk... Am not sure I know what I want to talk about. So I've sent an email to them to ask. And let's see. Will have to work on this presentation in the next weeks.

Wish I was in the lab (other one) doing some experiments now instead of sitting here ('Chinese' lab) without anything in particular to do.

Found this the other day:

:D

I.want.to.go.to.bed...

2010-01-25T17:40:00.002+01:00

I'd awaken this morning just before my alarm went off, wishing it wasn't already Monday. Snug under my covers, I willed the alarm not to ring.

*sigh* Mondays are almost always terribly blue.

I've had a good weekend, though not nearly as much sleep as I would have liked.

Instead of going to a classmate's 'Pretty in Pink' houseparty, (where I'd have been, as usual, juice-in-glass, trying hard to fit in with people who're trying to get drunk), I went and played some badminton with friends (something I've always enjoyed but haven't had the chance to do since a long time) on Friday. And met some nice students from Thailand. Also got to catch up with a chinese friend I haven't seen in a while.

Sat evening, at a bible study, I was asked to translate German to English for a friend for the first time in my life! It was hard enough trying to understand it myself, imagine then having to understand fast enough to translate it at the same time. I thought I was horrible, since there are still a lot of words in German which I don't know, but I was told by the German speakers around that I did fine for someone who's only learnt German for 1 year. :) Hee... Needless to say, I was rather happy. I remember the times before when I was so frustrated with myself because I couldn't understand anything around me or express myself at all.

Was a subject in a pretty cool experiment Sun evening that involved lying in a fMRI machine getting my brain imaged while I made some gambling decisions, and walked away after one hour with 32 euros! :) Only won 2 euros (since 30 euros was the capital they gave you to begin with) but it was something looking at my brain in 3-D on the computer. Plus, the experimenters who were doing this experiment were quite friendly; one of them an Indian who'd lived in Singapore for 15 years.

My boss asked me this morning what I thought about the tandem PhD project my Professor proposed. I really liked my Prof's lab, but the lab I am stuck doing my Master thesis in now, I am not so sure. It sounded like my boss wants to have a bigger (the major) piece of the project. She also lamented that my project is progressing very slowly. I mean, hello, what can I do when the lab is still so ill-equipped?!?! Argh!

*sigh* Maybe I should just find another lab entirely. Or, just go home and find a job after this Master thingy (there's a chance I wouldn't feel like coming back end of July after I've gone home). Maybe it's a mistake, thinking of doing a PhD. I am not so excited about research. I just want to get the necessary papers in life so I can move on to something I could be more enthusiastic about. Maybe I don't need that piece of paper. Maybe I am just too tired and hence crabby. I wish I have some answers. Today's not the day to think about my (seemingly bleak) future I guess.

I want to get home and sleep this off. (Just finished day 1 of my repeat in-situ.) But there's this meeting at the house which I am supposed to attend. *sigh* Maybe, hopefully, as the saying goes, tomorrow will be a better day. I hope your day was better than mine.

Frosty and foggy

2010-01-20T16:31:00.005+01:00

it was, this morning... Me miss the sun...

On Monday, I promised myself I would go running at the tracks Tuesday evening after lab. Lo and behold, I did it! (Though the temptation once I got home was so strong just to 'nuah' in front of the computer, but I managed to drag my lazy arse out!) Happy happy (even if my legs are aching now)... A good start, I say. Now I just have to try to keep this up. I intend to go for an exercise class later. (Have to go!!! Cannot let myself come up with excuses!)

Yesterday's dinner was Mexican tortillas with some friends. Was great to see them again since Christmas. And the food was good, even if not exactly authentic. ^_^ We also had Mexican hot chocolate (basically hot chocolate with some cayenne pepper in it so that it has a hint of spicyness) after dinner and a bit of cake. Yummie yummie! Though that had forfeited whatever calories I had burnt from the running.

Just got some good news this afternoon from my Prof that she would like me to be her PhD student (but I have to try to apply for funding, i.e. write project proposal). Still, it's really nice to hear, that people in the lab are positive about me continuing in the lab. :) And so, she said she wouldn't write me reference letters for other places I am applying for. ha... anyway my imperial college application cannot make it liao. Too late... I haven't decided if I would want to stay here (Tübingen) for sure so I would still try to apply to other universities, just to see if I could get some interviews and some experience from it.

Seems like my latest experiment worked. Now I just have to wait for the Prof to look at the finished slides and try to repeat it. Hopefully this week or next. I am on a tight time schedule. Have to finish by end of April. Wish me luck people! Need lots of it.

(Am pleased with myself that so far I am writing regularly. As with the other short-term goals, I hope I can keep this up! Oh, by the way, how do you like the new look here?)

Die Sonne scheint

2010-01-19T14:48:00.003+01:00

There's something about the sun shining that makes people cheery, well, at least for me it does. :)

January, a fitting time to make some changes. And since I can't get a haircut here, I shall make do with changing the blog's outlook. And work towards some short-term goals, (the usual suspects): exercise regularly, lose some weight, work harder in the lab, send PhD applications, write regularly, read more...

Snow white

2010-01-15T15:58:00.004+01:00

A thick whiteness over everything; rooftops, cars, bicycles, the streets (where they didn't shovel or salt), tree branches, everything in sight. And at night, the snow, like a reflector, brightens up the normally pitch-dark walk down the little slope on my way from the lab to the bus stop.

Have you ever looked at how intricately beautiful individual snowflakes are? This winter Ms Mong and I admired them as we caught them on our gloves and the sleeves of our winter jackets, we couldn't help but be astonished. I mean, I've always known they look nice. But have never thought (well, also I have not had the fortune to experience many winters - so far my 3rd) to look at them closely before. I wish I had the ability (and equipment) to photograph them, to capture their short lifespan in a long-lasting image.

Some people abhor winter, because it's cold, and when the snow melts, it turns into yucky greyish puddles. But there's much I love about it; the snow falling from the sky, the picture of the bare tree branches against the grey skies, the feeling of buddling up in the scarf my sister lovingly knitted for me, a hat, a pair of gloves and the down feather jacket from Ms Mong before leaving the house.

I really like the changes in seasons (even if it means having to have clothes for the different times of the year), one of those things I miss when I am back home in good 'ol tropical Singapore. Speaking of home, if any one of my friends are still out there, I am coming back on 8 June, tickets already booked! Yeah, am looking forward to that! Make some dates available for me! I want to see you! ^_^

I sit now, in my first lab, waiting for the Prof to examine the fruits of my labour over the last 3 days (2 tiny slides) under the microscope. At least they have a nice big window in front of the temporary space I occupy when I am here.

I am somewhat relieved that it's Friday. Am feeling worn out, fat, and old. Sigh. I blame it on that time of the month. (Though I also feel fat any other time of the month anyway...) I wonder if I should get out tonight and see some friends, or just hide out in my room and wallow in self-pity. ha, now that second option (which I am more likely to be doing) sounds like fun eh?

What would 2010 bring?

2010-01-11T23:27:00.001+01:00

I can't find the right words to wrap up 2009. I guess I don't really have to. It's been a hell of a ride, ups and downs. I've not had much inspiration or time to write in the past year it seemed. I hope 2010 would be different.

Christmas was nothing short of lovely; nice people around me, a real, decorated and lighted up Christmas tree where presents are left under, Christmas lunch of a delicious turkey with a stuffing of apples (beautiful red apples, cut in halves) and lots of other yummy side dishes, Christmas cookies, grocery shopping, walks out in the snow, catching up on sleep, being a couch potato...

Then some quiet time back home (Tübingen), seeing some friends, spent half a day (would have been longer if I could have had it my way! hee) unwinding at a mineral thermal pool/sauna place in a nearby town (I've never seen so many naked bodies in my life!), more grocery shopping (!), cooking with him (home-made pizza, sushi, udon), my first home-made falafel, a small but gorgeous chocolate fondue (Yeah!) at a friend's place, and then to top it up, bringing in the new year with Sekt (German champagne) on the hill just behind where I live, watching fireworks going off all over the city (I couldn't decide which direction was best to look! So for the hour or so we were up there, I was turning my head here and there and wishing I was an owl. ha).

The first week of New Year was filled with good food because dear Ms Mong was back in town from the Rochfords! :) Was so much fun cooking and eating food I missed and watching movies togther.

The holidays were over too soon. And I miss the people I've had the fortune to spend it with.

But in a way I am glad to be getting started again on experiments in the lab, (Finally! There was so much waiting and waiting before for the stuff I need!) because I want to finish my thesis at the end of April so I can go for a holiday (in the US) then back home to recharge. :) That's my carrot at the end of the stick.

Came across this, this morning

2010-01-11T11:19:00.001+01:00

You Can, Because He Can

I know that You can do everything, And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You. Job 42:2 NKJV

You can ask the Lord
because He will not give you a wrong answer.
You can wait upon the Lord
because His timing is always perfect.
You can trust in the Lord
because He makes no mistakes.
You can hope in the Lord
because He holds your future.
You can rest in the Lord
because He is in control of your life.
You can lean upon the Lord
because He is completely faithful.

-- From 'Meet me in the meadow' http://roy.dayspring.com/2009/12/you-can-because-he-can.html

Stuck on you...

2009-11-25T18:06:00.002+01:00

Let's see, what have I been doing lately, hmm... in a bid to keep that loneliness at bay, I've turned to the (addictive) internet.

I've just finished watching a popular Korean series based on a Japanese manga and even though I thought I would be somewhat bored cos' I already knew the storyline but surprisingly I didn't. I was not expecting the eye candies (actually better than the Japanese actors of the same dorama)! Have never been a big fan of Korean dramas cos' I thought they were usually too soapy or too crazy. I've always preferred Japanese doramas.

Also learnt a little bit about the Korean language; I never knew there were any similarities with the Chinese language but as I was watching, I realised that there are some words that sound somewhat like a derivative of the equivalent Chinese words. Interesting... Then heard from a Korean major friend of mine here at the university that the Koreans have a sino-korean form of the language which is derived from the old Chinese.

Then I proceeded to devour the above Japanese manga in a few days. haha...
And cos' I felt like a Japanese drama, I found one (a short one, sadly, only 8 episodes) and am finishing that soon (tonight). Mr. Brain. Now, if only Neuroscience research is as fun as he made it out to be... Ok, what's next? haha...

Die... I've become a couch potato... Started to do some exercises a couple of weeks ago but that motivation didn't last too long, have already lost a big part of it. Ahhhh, have to drag my ass to an exercise class later at the university sports institute!

In the end...

2009-11-19T13:55:00.006+01:00

was it all worth it? A question that popped into my mind like an unwelcome guest.

Did I accomplish anything by leaving my comfortable routine, family and friends back home for a foreign land, stress and feelings of loneliness?

Don't get me wrong, there're definitely things I really appreciate here; the changing seasons, the landscape full of hills, greenery, forests, some good friends I had the fortune to get to know, foods not readily available in Singapore (which I got fat on. sigh...), the travelling I get to do, etc etc...

But right now I still don't have a concrete answer, yet.
Because I am not sure if I've done any good for my future 'career' (if it even exists). And it seems like the next step leads on to more studying, more time away from home, away from the working 'adult' world out there.

I am not sure of anything anymore. A good friend recently said, 'Ask Ping a question and that's the answer you'll get - I don't know.' He knows me well. Sigh. I wish I know what I want to do with my life.

Happy (very) belated birthday (to me)

2009-10-20T01:10:00.002+02:00

Another year older, but not much wiser I guess... haha.

I'd wanted to write this a long time ago, but as usual, the beginning scraps of it has been sitting in my drafts.

It's autumn again. Sometimes, it feels like the past year barely happened. It's been a rather stressful year spent back in school (after such a long break of working). Maybe my brain's too rusted to study anymore... But at least I made it through. Now it's just another 6 months of slogging along in the lab, which is much better than being stuck with memorising and more memorising.

As much as I often think about home and miss it, there're all the good of being away too. The nice people I've got the luck to know, all the things (German, cooking skills, kknowledge etc) I've learnt in this time. Invaluable. I think I change (I hope for the better) every time I leave home for a somewhat extended length of time (this would be the third, and in so far, the longest). I don't really know what my next step would be after this, and the thought that all's as yet unknown is in itself rather... unpleasant and at my age, sometimes, a little pitiful, I think. I feel like I have nothing to show for being at a ripe old age that I am. No required papers to make it in life. A close friend of mine said to me not too long ago that his wonderful wife is expecting their second daughter! So exciting! I understand that one pays the price too for having a family. It just makes me think; he and his wife, both my age, are at such a different stage of life as I am, one which I wonder if I'll ever get to.

Well, I am making this post sound like a rather melancholic one. Let's talk about happier things. I got a surprise visit from my best friend in Singapore for my birthday. It's been good to spend the time together this time, it was just like in Singapore. She left yesterday afternoon for home and the evenings start to feel really lonely. I guess I'll get used to being alone again. The worst part about getting visitors from home is that you get used to (and happy with) their presence and when they leave, it's like they took a part of you with them, leaving a void. Aiyah, I manage to sound so sad again. Guess it's because I am feeling a bit low. But it'll be better. In Dec, I get my dear visitor back. :) And another close friend is coming back for Xmas. I just have to hold out till then. ^_^

Oh ya, in this time, I've also moved. And I am happy to say I really like my new room. It's bigger, cheaper and comes along with much nicer housemates.

Ah, geehz, it's late, I should get ready for bed. Gute Nacht, Leute.

Sod's law

2009-09-23T14:05:00.002+02:00

states that when you drop a piece of buttered toast, it will always land buttered side down.

This is what a good British friend of mine, Chris, said when the train from his place back to Tübingen on Sat night was delayed for 5 mins. An hour earlier, we'd just missed the train by a couple of minutes (due to my lousy cycling skills), so we had to ride back to his place in the dark and foggy night to wait for the next one. We then decided we'd better leave the house early enough (at least 20 mins before, for a 5-min ride) to get to the station in time. 'When we could have used that 5 mins of delay earlier, the train was on time. Now when we're early, the train is delayed... Sod's law' he lamented.

That Sat evening was a comfortable movie evening (read: slumped on the couch) cum pig-out (complete with KFC, a califlower gratin, green olives and pickles from the jar, sliced green peppers, Holunderblütenschorle, beer & coke, not to forget dessert; freshly-cut pineapple slices, crepes with Nutella & ice-cream!!) with a couple of good friends. I was a bit of a third wheel, but they were so nice they didn't mind having me around.

I really enjoy talking to this British friend. The typical British humour, the phrases and terms he uses, remind me so much of the 2 buddies I used to have. He likes to say I have a nice British accent (not the 'wah-wah'- his words, American accent) for which I am flattered. I love in particular one phrase of his: 'As useful as a chocolate teapot'. Amusing. Adjectives such as 'peachy'. Exclamations of 'Jeepers!' Cute-sounding cusswords; 'blimey!' And it's true when he says he'll lose his head if it wasn't stuck on. :D His girlfriend is also a treasure of a friend. They're as sweet and as delightful together a couple as I have ever seen.

Sunday afternoon after church, we window-shopped at the Umbrisch-Provenzalischer Markt held once a year in the Altstadt here in September and managed to procure some small bites of samples along the way. The streets were stuffed with throngs of people which is unusual for Sunday afternoons in Tübingen.

Then in the Sunday evening service at church, I was relieved to see that the video I put together was well-received. Chris even complimented me on my humour, saying it was truely British styled! haha... *happy*

Other updates: lab work, that which take up most of my life, is moving slowly, because I'm currently in a new lab, have to wait for delivery of the stuff ordered, set-up and optimise the protocols on my own, etc... A small bit of good news is that my supervisor now offered me to do my Master thesis here and if I want, to continue with my PhD too. I feel flattered and it's tempting to just accept that so I don't have to search and apply for other places. But I think I will try and see what else is out there. Have just started scouting. And that involves investing time and effort in writing up letters of research interests and so on... Hence only sluggishly prodding along. (Am lazy...) Only sent a few applications to date.
First have to decide where to do my Master thesis. Will be speaking to the Prof from my first lab rotation this week before I make a decision. She'd also asked if I wanted to go back to her lab. Wish me luck (in making the right choice)!

2009-09-04T17:57:00.003+02:00

An evening run through the forest;
A light cooling drizzle on our heads;
Chatting with my future running mate (we promised we'd run together regularly to push each other along ^_^) as we jogged along at a comfortable pace;
We were passed by many people training for the upcoming Stadtlauf;
A quiet vow to each other, 'We'd one day be better than we are now!';
The faintly yellowed leaves on trees whispering, 'Autumn's on her way';
And the aches in my legs today reminding me that I have left them too long unused...

Last one

2009-07-24T01:35:00.001+02:00

in a few hours and I would be free! That's the only thing sustaining me. I couldn't help but panic last evening and it felt like I was barely an inch away from going bonkers. There's so much to memorise, so little time and brain space. Everything felt like it's going in and coming right out, or immediately replaced by the next information I tried to squeeze in. I hate that all exams make us do is memorise!! An all-nighter now, to try to store whatever I can in the working memory compartment and hope it functions later. And hope it doesn't turn out like the exam where my mind jumbled up everything I memorised. Sigh. Feels like I'd be attending my own execution later. *wince*

A little more...

2009-07-17T15:09:00.000+02:00

Something I have to remind myself of everyday. I can barely continue with this. Sit at the desk with piles of textbooks, lecture notes, review papers and memorise as much as possible.

I had the worst exam so far (the 6th) today. I studied as much as I could, but all the information ended up jumbled up in my tiny brain. Sometimes I think it's so ironical that I'm studying neuroscience when my brain's barely competent enough for me to remember what I have been mugging. I barely answered half the short-answer questions correctly and screwed up the essay question which is worth a quarter of the marks. I hope and pray that I can pass this. I'd hate to think that I have to retake the exam. Sigh...

Actually, this semester hadn't started out too bad. So far I have not been the last (a great achievement for me!) but I think this exam will do it for me. :'(
We've had a few of the results and as usual I looked for my number (matriculation) from the bottom, and for a couple of them I wasn't actually there! haha. I even got an 'A' for one of them (even though it was only a take-home exam and more than half the class got 'A'). But still, such a nice feeling. But I know for the other exams, I'd probably be right back at the bottom again. *Sigh*

I have never been good at exams. I try but never do well (only back in secondary school, was I ok but after that it's been downhill all the way). And I get really nervous the night before, my mind stays in a half-awake, barely-asleep mode the whole night. I must be just plain stupid. Can't wait for this to be over!!! It's been HORRIBLE and I'm so close to giving up!! I don't think I would ever understand why I decided to put myself through this again even though I know perfectly well that I suck at studying. *???*

I pray God would have pity on this dumb girl and let me pass everything. I really don't want to have to retake any of it. I want to be able to go for my holiday with my 'lil sis and cousin with a peace of mind.

I do thank God for the few days this month when my friends and I cooked and ate together. A Japanese friend of mine is here for 2 weeks to do some experiments and we've had dinner a few times and I learnt how to make sushi rice the right way and also tamagoyaki. I hope I'd get to try it out on my own after. Tamagoyaki looks like it requires a lot of skill! It's great that we've got closer this time round and I even call her nee-chan now cos' a couple of our friends said we are like sisters. :) She's leaving tomorrow and I went for a little shopping therapy just now (after the exam) to buy her a couple of small presents. Will look forward to seeing her tonight to give her the presents. For now I shall bring my notes to my bed and see how long I last before I fall asleep.

Always look on the bright side

2009-06-29T12:25:00.002+02:00

Ahh, so easy to say, so hard to do... Sigh...

Home

2009-06-18T08:41:00.002+02:00

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
"I'm fine baby, how are you?"
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
I've got to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby, I'm done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home

-- Michael Bublé

A little piece of home

2009-06-08T22:16:00.006+02:00

I've had a fanstatic few days last week. A good friend from Singapore visited. He's been a nice comfort, someone from home I could speak with (in Singlish, no less), hear from and see. haha. I'm now feeling better (emotionally).

But the (old) body couldn't keep up with the couple of days of late-night chats (which were, by the way, still good) and the waking up early, so after a lovely can't-be-any-better day-trip last Monday with my church friends to a beautiful island in the Bodensee, I fell a bit ill, warm and headache-y.

On Tuesday after almost a whole half-day of sleeping (albeit a bit fitfully) I got better. And sweet him had insisted I stay home and rest and went out on his own to see a castle not too far from Tuebingen, Burg Hohenzollern. I felt bad to have left him alone and was worried whether he could find his way around. In the morning, I'd packed some sandwiches for him, filled a bottle of water and made him a quick breakfast this morning (man, I feel like a mother... haha. no wonder he calls me 'da jie'). In the end, he found his way back and I was relieved to see him cos' he got back later than I'd expected him to.

A good friend and I (me being the assistant since we've been making European or German-ish food) have been making dinner for him (first night: Maultaschen, 2nd: Käsespätzle and last night: home-made pizza) and he was the official dishwasher. hee. Tuesday evening, we had a little grill with some German friends near our building where he was able to drink more beer and fill up on the sausages which are so expensive at home.

He'd got along really well with my good friends which is really nice.

On his last day here, Wed, we had a relaxing walk through the forest to Bebenhausen, a small neighbouring town with an old Monastry. I brought him to the farms but unfortunately they weren't selling their milk in the morning during the week so he didn't get to try farm-fresh milk. But we saw fields and fields of crops with signs indicating what grains they were growing in each. There were horses grazing, cows and the unforgettable smell of manure. hee. Our chats were animated, funny, (as he is) and simply enjoyable. ^_^

He warned me not to show this pic to anyone but it's too cute not to share it! :p (Ah, realised one can't actually see what he's doing in the photo. He's trying to blow the seeds of a dandelion.)

After some frantic last minute gift-shopping on that last day, we had an early dinner back at my place of pan-fried pork chops with a red wine sauce and homemade mashed potatoes, and from the way he devoured the meal and his exclamations of 'delicious!!', I think our 'last supper' together was a good one. :) Then after some coffee and yummy German cakes, we met up with my friends from church at the Neckarmüller for his last beer. And with a couple of minutes to spare, we raced to the bus station to catch his bus to the airport.

Ah, I miss his big warm infectious laughter and our chats. :)

Frühling

2009-05-29T13:45:00.014+02:00

The smell of freshly mowed grass, a lingering sweetness in the air, mixed with the smoky scent of grilling meats on white-hot coals. Lovely flowers coming up everywhere, adding colour to the greenery.

It's nice to have sweet friends who'd buy you a magnum ice-cream when they know you're feeling lousy. The weather was lovely last Sat but after travelling down to town to pick up my bike, we found that it had a flat back tyre so the bike trip to the lake that I've been so looking forward to was once again postponed. I was so disappointed (here was where my ice-cream treat came in). Instead went for a short walk in the forest, sat amongst the flowers and read. Then my friend introduced me to Bärlauch (wild garlic, so amazing to know that there are leaves that smell like garlic!) growing abundantly in the forest. We picked a small bagful and made pesto with it (olive oil, walnuts, parmesan, lemon juice) which turned out wonderful!

The wild garlic (the green leaves)

The finished pesto, so green and pretty!

On Wed, a friend who had a small portable grill organised a bbq at the island in the middle of the Neckar river. It was so lovely!

Helped me feel better. Thanks everyone, for your encouragements!

They say when you're at the bottom, there's no way but up. Waiting for that... But doesn't seem to be happening...

2009-05-26T18:48:00.004+02:00

Because sleep seems to be eluding me...

2009-05-22T00:50:00.000+02:00

Lately I found myself wondering how life was before the advent of emails, blogs, online social networks, video streaming, forums, chat portals, wiki... you know, the worldwideweb. How did I keep in touch with friends and family? What did I do with my free time? How did I entertain myself?
Then I faintly recall writing snail mails, keeping a diary (hard-copy), hogging the house phone, watching tv, looking things up in dictionaries, enclycopedias... Ha, those were the days eh?

Today's Pentecost and a public holiday in Germany, a few friends and I had planned to cycle to a nearby lake today but because of the rainy weather in the morning, that had to be dropped. Then when the sun looked like it decided to show its face in the afternoon, we made another plan to go to the campfire site we were at in winter to do a bbq later in the evening but as April's weather goes (The saying in German goes: 'April, April – der macht was er will'), dark stormy clouds started gathering and it started pouring so that was cancelled too. :(

The feta cheese we prepared for the grill (1 with olives, some light green paprika, garlic, herbs, pepper, olive oil, the other with onions, small cubes of smoked bacon, herbs. Were yummy!) was baked in the oven along with some bread for dinner and we watched some slamdunk and 'Big bang theory' online.

I managed to study a little, napped, and lazed around for the most part (learnt how to make a pizza base; that's for tomorrow's dinner). It was nice doing nothing for a day. Even though I had really looked forward to going outside. Maybe Sat, the weather forcast looks promising. *crosses fingers*

But just now as I was browsing through Facebook and saw the lovely pictures some ex-colleagues posted, I felt so far away from my old friends and home. It seemed as if people moved on and I'd been running on a treadmill, on the same spot. And that when I go back everything will be different and people would have forgotten me. :( I question whether I would have been better off if I'd never left the old life back there?

Although I know I should not be whinging because I have been blessed with meeting really nice people here and other than being totally shitty at studying, other things have been quite enjoyable.

But I cant help missing the place which I call home and the people who make it home. :(

I should try to find zhou gong, have a longish day in school tomorrow. Gute nacht.

Swinging

2009-05-21T09:46:00.006+02:00

between days when I feel 'Hey, maybe I can do this!' to days when I sit in class and wonder 'What am I doing here?'

Sometime last week, I met a chinese lady, a post-doc working in one of the labs where one of our lectures is held. The labs there are just in the early stages of being set up so everything's not yet in place. After lecture last week, we happened to say hi and started chatting.

She enquired about the structure of our course (when do we do our Master thesis etc.) and mentioned that she's actually looking for a student to do some cloning. I asked with some trepidation whether her group does electrophysiology and to my dismay, she answered yes. But she quickly added that for the project she has in mind, the electrophysiology part is rather easy. I told her my background and honestly admitted to her that I do not particularly fancy electrophysiology, too much physics... See, the thing is, I am quite sure that electrophysiology is a path where I do not want to go down, especially after our Neurophysiology module last semester. I struggled through it and prayed hard for a pass and I'd scraped through, thank God! (So, even though for the most part, I don't know what I want to do but at least I know what I don't want to do.)

She proceeded to show me around the lab, they're working on 'Pain' and explained briefly the project she had in mind. Cloning a channel in a cell line, characterising it (i.e. electrophysiology measurements) and that would make for a lab rotation report or a Master thesis. She also said that if I was interested we could discuss things and could even continue the project into a PhD if I wish. She was really friendly and nice. The short talk with her brought my spirits up and I was rather excited by the prospect of tackling the project. And at that point, and over the day, I couldn't help thinking that maybe I could do this afterall.

I had a 5-min presentation just this Tuesday and I guess I did ok in it. Got a 1.7 (think it's on a scale of 5) for it. The teacher gives each of us an evaluation of how he scored us on the criteria he has at the end of each lecture. My scores for answering questions and making the topic relevant for our course were rather pathetic, 3 and 2/2.5 (I don't remember exactly). This was, once again a confirmation of how I suck at giving presentations (especially scientific ones). And in class, when I realise how easily my mind drifts away from the lectures while my classmates listen intently and ask deep, burning questions, gives me another indication of how badly suited to this I am.

Lately, one of the main things which brighten up my days is food. (Well, I guess it has been like this for a long time. hee. :p) More so when I try to make something for the first time and it turns out as I imagined it to be. And when it doesn't then I feel rather disappointed.

A little example. Last Sat at the supermarket, I picked up a packet of minced meat at half price and then thought of what to do with it. The 3 things which I know to make using minced meat are dumplings as my mum made them (the Singaporean kind, using the yellowish store-bought wrappers, not the Chinese jiaozi), chili con carne, and bolognese sauce. So this time I wanted to try making the jiaozi skin myself (before I had only helped to wrap them with my chinese friends and they made the dough). But I wanted to try something a bit different from the normal jiaozi, and over a chance meeting with my little boss that night, she mentioned that at the party they were at that evening, the host had made shui jian bao. So when I went home, I looked online for a recipe and decided to try it. I found a xiao long bao recipe and decided to tackle it. :) It looked a bit laborious but I wanted to see if I could do it.

I was not satisfied with the results on Sunday. I'd made the filling too wet and couldn't close the dumplings properly. I cooked them in the 'shui jian bao' (panfried then add water to steam) way. I didn't taste them cos' I wasn't feeling too well but my friend said they were good. Because I still had half of the meat left and some dough, I decided to try again the next day. And I was so happy because I improved on my mistakes and they turned out rather decent! :D I'll leave you with the pictures.

In the steamer

Ready to eat :)

A Hat full of Sky

2009-05-12T11:14:00.004+02:00

Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colours. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.

Joy is to fun what the deep sea is to a puddle. It's a feeling inside that can hardly be contained. It came out as laughter.

'I've come back!' she announced, to the hills. 'Better than I went!'

The only hat worth wearing was the one you made for yourself, not one you bought, not one you were given. Your own hat, for your own head. Your own future, not someone else's.

- Excerpt from 'A Hat full of Sky' by Terry Pratchett

Read this last Friday night after a tiny glass of red wine (at a casino party which I didn't stay very long at), warm under my quilt in bed just before drifting off into dreamland.

Those were some comforting words, especially after Thursday's incident. I hope when I return home, I could say, proudly, as the protagonist above; 'I've come back better than I went.' I would try as hard as I can to find out what I could possibly be good for in the time I have here. And it helped to have encouraging friends, thanks! I feel better. And last Saturday was a therapeutic one. A good breakfast with some girls from a student christian group, haircare tips from a hairdresser at the breakfast, receiving a 2nd-hand bicycle (from a classmate who found it abandoned), baking (black forest cake! :D) and learning German with a church friend... Little blessings that I am thankful for, that make the pressure of school and boring routines of work bearable.

2009-05-07T18:17:00.000+02:00

I had a presentation today. And it was like living out a nightmare. :(

All of last semester, I've just used the laptop from school for my presentations, with my prepared powerpoint presentation on my thumbdrive. Today it didn't work, because I didn't realise this time round, I'd used a 2007 version (from what a classmate sent me) instead of the usual 2003 on my laptop.

And there was no way of opening it on the all of the school computers or laptop. The online file converter site only sent the converted file to my email half an hour later. So I had to present this complicated paper (full of results and diagrams I don't really understand) from the pdf file of the paper. I don't remember all that I've written in my powerpoint and was a stuttering mess. I could barely hold in my tears when I realised I couldn't open the thing I've been working on for the past 4 days!

If I'd understood the paper fully, it wouldn't have been a problem, but I didn't.

At the end of it, something that I've always known but didn't really want to admit became that bit clearer. I don't have the passion for this line. I seriously don't care why the rubrospinal and raphespinal tracts regenerate after spinal cord injury but the corticospinal tracts don't. I don't have profound questions for the professors and finally I don't have the brains for it.
I like working with my hands but I don't want to be a lab assistant all my life. I love food and cooking, but am not good enough to step into the kitchen of a restaurant. I enjoy learning languages and might have a tiny knack for listening and then trying to imitate the sounds, but am not talented. I adore travelling but this can't earn me a living. Some friends might say I am good with people but what can I do with this 'skill'?

I don't know what else I can do... I feel lost, in this huge, shadowed forest that is the world. I want to make something out of my life. I am not contented with just going along and doing stuff robotically.
All I want to do now is lie on my bed and weep. :'( But because I am a big girl (and not a crybaby), I will instead go take a shower and go for my Deutsch Kurs.

Erstes Mai Wochenende

2009-05-02T20:58:00.003+02:00

Labour day was spent outside grilling and drinking (not me of cos', I had maybe 2 radlers, and most of it lemonade. hee). Food was yummy! (We literally were eating all the time...) Weather was perfect, sunny and warm. And my friend's place was simply lovely; in the countryside, with a spacious backyard, fruit trees, woody furniture (like a cottage). A dream house! Ahhh...

Today's a bit colder, rainy. After a late lunch of thai red curry (cooked by the host, with some of us being assistants, i.e. chopping up stuff with a fantastic Japanese knife!), we managed to take a short walk around the fields nearby. Then cooked beer chili together for dinner. Then during the remaining free time, some of us played card games, computer games, chess and I read. It's nice chilling out together in a beautiful house. :)

Tomorrow I plan to make pancakes for brunch for all of us cos' host has maple syrup in the house! Hope it'll be good. :D

One of the best ways to start my day; with a

2009-03-20T11:17:00.002+01:00

Rant

2009-03-19T14:54:00.003+01:00

Lately I've had the misfortune to have to work with this Italian PhD (BITCH!!), whom I used to think was quite nice when I first met her in German class last semester.
Her (what I initially thought to be) boisterous (now to me, just seem obnoxious) laughter and chattering made her out to be a typical (or so I thought) friendly, fun and warm Italian. But some people you only get to see their true colours when you have to work with them. She's highly strung, easily stressed, with Italian curses at the tip of her tongue which come loose at even the littlest things that don't go her way (like a used pipette tip not going into the bin properly like it should).

There's another Italian PhD student with whom I started working with in the beginning and although I'd found her very distant and always rather serious (don't joke much), now I'm starting to appreciate her calmness and cool headedness.

The past 2 weeks in the lab, the BITCH has been making me do her shit work (boring time-consuming immunocytochemistry, immunofluorescence etc.) while she works on her poster for the upcoming meetings. And because there were different antibodies and fluorescent colours for the different transfections, and there were small variances in the protocols, the whole process was quite confusing. Added to that was an evil headache that plagued me the past 3 days (thankfully today I'm better today) and I made a mistake. So, you can imagine her fury when I told her! Out came her magnificent strings of swear words which I don't understand (I should learn the vulgarities of all the European languages!) and of cos' she also scolded me in her (limited) English.

She thinks her time is all precious ('I don't have time, you know!') and everyone's else are just nothing. Just now, she asked me to prepare everything to passage the cells and left me waiting in the cell culture room even after I rang her to say that it's all ready. So I went down to her office to tell her that I have my own work to do afterwards and that I can't just wait for her forever. She said she'll come once she's done and, not wanting to sit around like an idiot, I went to my table in the other lab to use the computer. She rang me from the cell culture room afterwards and said she's upstairs. I went up immediately and she started her 'You called me to come up and I did and where were you??? I'm very busy, you know!!!') Ya, and I am doing you a fu*king favour and I still have my own work to do... Such an ARSE isn't she?

Anyhow I won't let her spoil my 'wonderful' weekend... Have to come back to work. Bleagh. But at least that's my own work.
All work and no play makes Jane a dull girl! Thankfully I have other activities planned; dinner with some Chinese friends tomorrow night (more jiao zi! happy! :D), some boat repairing on Sun afternoon (hope weather will be ok) and I shall attempt to cook a pork rib dish for dinner either on Sat or Sun and if I can squeeze in some time for a dessert, I shall make something. ^_^

My first

2009-03-19T10:28:00.002+01:00

visit to the gynaechologist this Mon, in 27 years (5 months & 17 days). It was somewhat embarrassing, even if you know he's doing the doctor stuff.

I'd decided to go for a checkup because after speaking to my German girlfriends, I realised it's common here to do a routine checkup (a Pap smear, ultrasound, a quick breast check) yearly starting in their twenties and that it's included in the compulsory health insurance I have to pay for here anyway. The doc was nice, (spoke English, quite important) and kept reassuring me (I'd told him I've never done a checkup like this).

I asked the doc at what age do they recommend girls to start having a Pap smear done and he said about 20 years old. Correct me if I'm wrong, but back home, I think our 'shy' Asian culture and the cost of having these checkups done routinely are reasons why I've never done it. To me, I used to think one doesn't go to the gynae unless one is pregnant.

Anyway, the whole process took less than 30 minutes. I thought the ultrasound was cool. :) And I'm all normal. Yay. So if they don't call me after they get my Pap smear results after 2 weeks then everything's a-ok. :D

Then next week, I go see a dermatologist for my dry skin. (You see, here, under the health insurance, when you first go to a doctor in whichever quarter of the year, you pay 10 euros and after that, you don't have to pay anything, other than for medications, to other doctors you see in the same quarter, so I have to make use of this in the last week of this quarter since I already paid.) Also planning to get my teeth checked by a dentist before the end of March. hee.

My cells are blue!!! :D

2009-03-09T12:07:00.006+01:00

And that is absolutely good news (means at least a part of my experiment worked)!!! :D (Thank you, for all the 'crossing' you all did for me!) I was so elated that I did a little dance around the lab! Hee... And the Prof was really happy to see that under the microscope too. That means I can continue with more experiments. It's so nice to get some (positive) results. Especially since I've repeated this experiment twice before with not-too-heartening results (although each time was slightly better than the next). And it's with some pride that I can say I'd suggested the changes to the protocol after reading a paper doing similar viral transfection. (A bit of self-consolation that I am not so stupid after all. hee.)
Am hoping that later when we look at part II (plasmid transfection) of the experiments which I finished over the weekend, it will also give us some hope for future work.
I have less than a month left in this lab, so hope that the experiments will go on smoothly (and that I don't have to come back every weekend till then)...

Update: The plasmid transfections did not seem to work (i.e. no obvious differences in fluorescence between transfected and control cells). :( But since we are trying out a new protocol, probably it still needs to be refined and there's yet hope... Let's see...

And Winter drops in to remind us that it is still very much present

2009-03-06T14:04:00.005+01:00

The Sun was out yesterday morning, then in the afternoon there was some light rain, by evening der Schneeregen (snow rain, i.e. wet snow) started and overnight, it's winter wonderland again and no signs of it stopping yet.

I was too lazy to walk out to the mensa in the snow with my Italian colleagues for lunch, (coincidentally I found out yesterday that one of them who's only here for 2 weeks to do some experiments is doing his PhD in Montpellier and speaks French so I get to practise a little. :D) so sat at my desk and ate the salad and sandwich I prepared this morning. I still like the snow (if it is not grey and muddy) and also enjoy eating with my very warm, outspoken Italian colleagues, but because am incubating the blocking solution for my immunocytochemistry experiment so I didn't want to bother to go and rush back.

I wish I could go home earlier today... For some reason I always feel so tired on Fridays...

Before it gets here, it's already gone...

2009-03-05T10:22:00.004+01:00

It's really motivating to be part of what would hopefully be a new discovery, seeing small results of my experiments leading to that conclusion but it means that I have to work harder, to finish as many experiments as I can in the short time I have in the lab. And that equates to coming back on Sat to finish the 2nd part of my immunocytochemistry and Sun to stop my transfection... There goes my weekend... Sigh. What to do...? Such is the life of a researcher (read: lab rat).

I can only cross my fingers (and toes. You too please! Eyes too, if u like. :p) for favourable results from the work. Then the Prof will be so pleased (as I said before she's a really nice lady) and my project will look really good! :D

又下雪了

2009-02-16T11:29:00.002+01:00

还没对它感到厌倦, 依然觉得它十分美妙！

My German friends tell me it has snowed a lot this winter compared to many years before. I like to think it's for me. hee. :p I remember my first snow in Paris. And how my French colleagues tell me that it doesn't always snow in Paris, and even if it does, it doesn't stay much. The winter of 2005, it snowed enough to cover everything in a thin, white blanket. I was so happy! :D

Very often, I am reminded of how we always prefer things we don't often have, of how true the saying (even if it's a cliche), 'the grass is always greener on the side'. A German friend, on our way to the supermarket yesterday morning, grumbled that it's too cold, and he'd much rather be in a warm place, eg. Singapore. (One of our friends is currently enjoying himself trying various local food and shopping in Singapore.) I, however, am still very happy to wrap myself in several layers and go out in the snow.

Women in Europe want to be tanned, hence they go to tanning salons and come out a yucky orangey colour. Lots of tanning products here whereas in Asia the magazines are chock-full of whitening stuff because white is beautiful.

When I was home I longed to leave, 'go out into the world', but now that I'm away, I miss home, and that comfortable, routine life before, more often than I thought I would.

Will we ever be content with what we have? It's good that the world is a globalised one now, so that occasionally, if and when we have the ability (i.e. time and money) we can go somewhere else and get a taste of what we want.

Anyhow, I should go help with the conditioning (of rats) now. More later!

2009-02-14T11:27:00.000+01:00

Must, bid the Morn awake!
Sad Winter now declines,
Each bird doth choose a mate;
This day's Saint Valentine's.
For that good bishop's sake
Get up and let us see
What beauty it shall be
That Fortune us assigns.
~Michael Drayton

Happy Valentine's, my dear friends! :)

Mein Kopf ist leer

2009-02-11T21:47:00.001+01:00

A phrase we learnt in German class yesterday. 'My head is empty.'
Indeed what I feel today.
Been in a semi-sick mode since Mon.
Today I couldn't get myself out of bed. Was freezing even under my quilt so I emailed my bosses, asked to be excused and laid in bed almost the whole day, drank tea, and read a Terry Pratchett book and finished more than half the book.
After my friend made us crepes for dinner he went out with our group of friends for drinks in the Neckarmueller. Sensibly I've chosen to stay home. But feeling kinda lonely now. I don't know if it's just me, I tend to feel more homesick (if I'm not at home) or lonely when I'm sick. Sigh...

Anyhow, have some good news (well, sort of), we were emailed some of our exam results the past few days and although not brilliant, I passed everything (so far) and surprisingly wasn't at the bottom of the list.

And my first experiment in the lab yielded interesting results. I did some transfections (plasmid and viral) on my primary cell cultures last week. I sat quietly behind the ever-busy Prof yesterday, holding my breath while she looks into the fluorescent microscope at my slides. She's a really cool Prof, guides u along encouragingly, very enthusiastic about her work and also expects much from her lab. She made some sounds and I was so worried, unsure about what they could mean... I was really happy to know that one of my plasmid transfections worked, i.e. there was a beautiful picture! But there were some problems with the others, either the Prof didn't find any cells, or the surviving ones looked bad. So, there're plans to repeat these experiments and I've to find out what went wrong (or right for that matter so I could do it again). I'm excited to do them again.

Hmm... think I shall now go watch some TV series online or maybe continue with my Terry Pratchett book, try to take some edge off that loneliness. ha.

The (non-existent) life of a researcher

2009-02-08T15:53:00.004+01:00

It's Sunday and I'm sitting at my desk in the lab (the one I am doing my lab rotation in), waiting for my boss to send me the keys to the nearby building where the animal facility is so I can do my work.

I have just started last week on a small part-time job, doing animal work for a Chinese girl I met in one of my classes. She's doing her PhD here and is a really nice person (I was rather surprised, to be honest. People who know me will know that I don't like Chinese - from China, much). Actually it's quite funny that so far, the Chinese people I've met here are nice. I've also met some Taiwanese friends who're cool. These were the people I had my Chinese New Year dinner with.

So, I've started the life (or rather, the lack of) of a 'scientist'. Have been working in both the lab and the animal facility every evening for the past week and will be for the next 2 weeks. Also was here yesterday for the whole afternoon. What a great way to spend your Sat eh? Got home to tired to cook but as usual one of my dear friends, Muki fed me with some stuff she had left from her and her boyfriend's dinner. Today will be quite the same, but at least it's only the animal facility and at least I get paid for that.

Guess what sort of animal work I am doing for my Hiwi job? (That's what they call the part-time lab jobs here.)
(My ex-colleagues, Chiu and FK, who sometimes follow this blog will recognise what I will mention next.)
Rotarod! How fun! ha. She's investigating how the motor functions of her transgenic rats (Huntington's disease) are affected. And boy the few-month old rats I just started on yesterday are sooooo FAT they can barely fit in between the rods! And a lot of them are so lazy they refuse to get on or stay on! I have to do this for this week and next week I start with her on social interaction. Then there'll be also other behavioural tests that I've had some experience with, for example, something similar to our Laboras system.

My work in my lab rotation is pretty cool. I started with primary cell cultures of spiral ganglion cells (in the cochlea). Learnt how to get the cells out (micro-dissection). SO difficult to cut things out under the microscope! Very intricate! (Even more so for surgery! I observed my supervisor operate on a mouse middle ear to insert an electrode in the tiny round window.)

Ok, my boss is here with the key. Gotta go put some rats on the wheel...

Back in the lab! :)

2009-01-30T13:20:00.002+01:00

Felt like a bit like homecoming, back on familiar (so to speak) ground. Ah. that well-acquainted smell of rats. I am so glad to be back doing something practical and not just sitting in class and having to study all the time!

Today’s my 5th day in the lab. Had wanted to write on my very 1st day but for the past few days I’ve been busy observing and learning and finished rather late (7, 8pm). Plus, my body seemed to be treading on a cracked sheet of thin ice which was threatening to break any minute and succumb to the cold. Oh, that throbbing head, the lethargy and the body aches of an ancient one...

I’d hope I could leave earlier on Wed (5pm) as the experiments I’ve been helping out with have been completed early. But I’ve just been told by the other intern that there’s an hour-long lecture at 615pm and my supervisor’s giving it. So, here I am, at the (slow) computer (with, naturally, a German keyboard), stealing time to write. (As some of you know, free time is supposed to be spent diligently reading papers.) But with my head’s starting to act up, I’m finding it difficult to concentrate.

Anyhow, I meant to talk a bit about the lab I’ll be working in for the next 10 weeks. It’s in the HNO (Hals-Nasen-Ohren) clinic, hearing research centre. This is an area new to me, although the methods used are not all that different. I will be working on a rodent animal model for tinnitus and the auditory system (working title of my project) which involves an operant task, hearing measurements, surgery and some molecular aspects. On my 1st day, when the Prof was discussing my project with my supervisor, me and a couple other people who’ll be involved, I was really excited cos' it sounded very interesting (It’s a question they’ve always wanted answered but there was no one with time to do it.) though with it there’s a high risk of it not working at all. But well, I guess everything in science has that.

Honestly, I still wonder if research is really what I want in life. Last Friday, my classmates and I were invited to one of our soft skills (scientific writing) instructor's place for dinner (his girlfriend cooked German food for us). Because I offered to stay and help wash up, we sat around chatting after cleaning up. He is a very humorous (the British way) and highly talented person (he can write plays, rhymes for children, draw/paint, etc etc) who told me that at 27, he's only started to narrow down what he wants to do to 3 options. But me, I still have no clue. His advice to me was to list down things I enjoy and then try to do something about them (get some sort of experience). I've not as yet compiled my list. (I wonder if I will have anything to write down but I will try... soon...)

Can't wait for the weekend to start!!! My turkish friends are cooking Turkish for us tomorrow night and my classmate's having a hair-themed party at her place (not sure if I will go yet, cos' I don't know what hairstyle I can do...) and my German clique is planning a campfire (cum BBQ. Yes, in winter! hee. :D) in the forest on Sun. Great eh??? Life is good (for now, without classes! ha) And if I still have time, I shall try to bake something... with the (slightly soft) apples I have or my pumpkin. Ideas, people?
(But I think I heard one of my good friend's thinking of baking a chocolate cake this weekend. And if he does then I can be lazy and just eat and shelf my baking to next week. heehee.)
P.S. Since being freed from the exams, I've been watching slamdunk in the evenings. Feels fantastic not to have to worry about studying!!! So if any of u have any good movies or series to recommend, let me know! :p

You know what???

2009-01-23T12:52:00.004+01:00

It's finished!!! Finalement!!! I thought it'd never end...

Guess what?? I got another 'E', another exam (Neurochemistry) where I'm at the bottom of the list. But right now I don't care. Haha. It's all over, at least for the next 10 weeks (where I will be in the lab). At this very moment, I feel relieved and will revel in that for a bit. (Oh ya, at the back of my mind, there's another exam, Neurophysiology, which was tough and I am worried I will fail that...)

I can't help feeling stupid (guess that will never go away). I think I'm learning to accept that, as a fact, something that will not change. That's me. Was speaking to 2 of my classmates (from the other program) after our exam who were sweet, trying to console me with stuff like Einstein not doing well in school, Bill Gates was a drop-out and so on. These are extraordinary people. And I am just a normal (or sub-normal?? ha) person trying to find out if she'll ever be good at anything. When I start thinking about my life, I start to worry... So for now I will leave it.

Tonight there's a dinner with my classmates at the house of a very humorous instructor who taught us 'Scientific writing' (his girlfriend will cook for us). In a way I do not really want to see my classmates again so soon (they remind me of school... argh... and I feel very inferior) but it should be ok so long as they don't discuss the exams.

I miss home. It's Chinese New Year on Mon. I have been invited for dinner with my Chinese and Taiwanese friends tomorrow and I am looking forward to celebrating it with them. My sis said she'd call me on MSN on Sunday so I can see the scrumptious spread of food my mum has prepared for reunion dinner. (You're mean, San!) That aside, I would be happy to talk to my parents and sis.

I should leave this on a good note. Happy Ox Year!! :)

The sun shineth and I'm stuck inside...

2009-01-22T09:44:00.003+01:00

Last exam tomorrow! On the one hand, I can't wait for everything to be over! Am on the edge of burning out. (Hence this break. ha. Me and my excuses not to study...) But on the other hand, I am scared (as usual) cos' I haven't finished studying yet. Sigh.

Was just thinking that from my posts, it would seem like for the most part of the time, I'm not happy here. That's not actually a good reflection of the truth. A lot of times (other than all the stuff to do with school. ha), I am glad to be here.

I've met some really nice people, Germans and others (Chinese, Taiwanese, Turkish, Indian, Greek etc.) outside of school. And have been welcome as part of the clique of my German friends even if I can't participate in their conversations. (yet! But I shall learn!) We cook together (and for each other) and it's really great to have company for meals. I don't like to cook and eat alone. (Hence when alone, I don't cook.)

We chat about 'Gott und die Weld'. And there're a couple of people I can go to for a hug, a walk, a run or just to talk if I ever need to and I thank God for them.
Sometimes after dinner we'd watch movies in one of their rooms or play a game together in the kitchen (Risk, Monopoly). A lot of times I have had to go back to my room to study, sadly... But the few times I could join them have all been fantastic fun.

There're so many things I wish I could have had time to blog about. Especially our cooking and eating sessions, some 'first-time's and experiments that always ended up delicious!
German food is not just sausages and beer, I've learnt. It's a skill to make pretty (and tasty!) Chinese dumplings from scratch (skin and all). Hainanese chicken rice depends very much on the freshness of the chicken (hence frozen chicken is no good!), the chilli and the fragrance of the rice. Turkish food can take a lot of prep work beforehand but is oh-so-good (even if it's a tad too oily for me). Taiwanese homecooked food is simple and nice, makes you feel that much closer to home. Indian food is all about the spices and I love lentils!
It's an amazing cultural experience here. :)

And my Christmas vacation (Paris and Lille) which I have not mentioned at all.

I have (so many!) photos. I hope I can post some soon. So, wait for me! (Now, I have to get back to studying. Sigh.)

If only this was like The Tortoise and The Hare

2009-01-15T15:41:00.005+01:00

then I wouldn't feel so shit being one of the last in class.
Let's see, so far we've received the results for 3 of our exams and for all of them I'm one of those with the lousiest grades. (The graduate school sticks up the results for each exam on one of the doors to our classrooms with our matriculation numbers. So everyone sees everyone else's grades. Bad eh? sigh.)
The best exam I've had since I got a mere B, while I think more than half the class (my class is 8) got As.
I reckon this 'being-bottom-of-the-class' trend will continue for a while (at least for all of this semester)... sigh... I am really no good at exams (read: I am stupid!)... SIGH...

2009-01-13T10:04:00.003+01:00

Missing you started like a sharp pain from an accidental knife cut,
now a dull ache pushed to the back of my mind,
occasionally reminding me of its presence.

A New Year...

2009-01-02T18:29:00.003+01:00

But the same me.
*sigh*
Trying to study for the exams next week, but it's not going very well so far. Nothing's really going in, I can't seem to focus and I feel like an absolute airhead. *big sigh* Times like this really makes me wonder why I'm here.
Not a very good first post for the new year eh? :( But I need to rant, get it out. Was really depressed yesterday. Wish I was home. Wish I never decided to come here. *SIGH*

下雪了

2008-12-13T11:40:00.005+01:00

视线内道处一片洁净的白，好美！

Of Schneeballschlacht und Schlitten fahren

2008-11-28T17:30:00.003+01:00

Snow fell, thick last Sunday night, covering all in sight with a white, fluffy blanket. My nose buried deep in books, I barely noticed it until my friends came knocking on my door, calling for a snowball fight. How could I possibly resist??? ^_^

It was amazing!!! The first time I made and threw snowballs (plus wrestling in the snow!), the first time ever that I sled down the small snowy snopes on a plastic bag (like on a big playground slide! Only much colder on the ass! haha. We also sled down in twos and threes!), first time I made snow angels and tried (but failed) to build a snowman. It was so much fun!!! Even if by the end of the night (almost 3 hours later) my jeans and shoes were wet, I was half-frozen and can't feel my toes, I was still ridiculously happy! :D

On the way back home, when I had the chance (i.e. less risk of getting hit by a snowball) I stood and stared at the surroundings and tried to imprint the image in my mind, the white over everything, rooftops, trees, the hills in the distance, so clean, so breathtakingly beautiful!!

After a hot hot shower (I could barely bring myself to turn off the water and step out) and a warm cup of tea, I settled into bed and mentally declared it the best night since I came out here! I wish I could have captured some of the moments on 'film'.

2008-11-15T01:49:00.000+01:00

Realising I'm craving coffee more often than I used to. Maybe that comes with being a student again! ha. But hope it doesn't become a dependence... I don't like the idea of being functional only after a cuppa.
Wish I could write much more. Think the 2 doses of caffeine's wearing off... I really should be preparing for my presentation next week right now (and not blogging). But I will (have to!) start tomorrow morning. Ah, that thing I call 'procastination'... hahaha

Grey

2008-11-11T13:29:00.005+01:00

The colour of the winter landscape,

The faint outline of the Alps in the distant horizon, partly obscured by the fog,

The wispy clouds floating along idly to the chilly breeze,

Oh, but look in the foreground!

Splashes of colour!

As if a brooding artist had decided to wave his magical paintbrushes across the dull canvas,

The green of grass, moulting trees of the nearly gone warm autumnal leaves, reddish-brown tiled roofs.

Raindrops sliding off the almost bare branches of the trees.

So calm, tranquil, contrasting my disorganised inner state of mind.

Thoughts swirling around, like water in a whirlpool.

Wie geht es dir?

2008-10-31T16:13:00.005+01:00

Nicht gut... Und dir?

It's been some tough (actually you know, that's an understatement) weeks.

My first test (Neuroanatomy) on Monday was a complete screw-up. I was so despondent after it that I couldn't bear to be around anyone, especially since all my classmates were excitedly discussing about their answers... The only thing that I could think about then was why I chose to put myself through all this studying and tests again. I've never been good at this. Sigh. It's not that I didn't study for it, I did. But maybe not the right things or hard enough. Sigh. Anyway that's over. I guess all I can say is I will try my best to fare better the next time. I just got my results today. I barely managed to scrape through. 50. Phew. Sigh. I can't decide whether to feel relieved that I passed or sad that I did so badly for my 1st test.

Friends (and my dear 'lil sis) back home were all trying to comfort me with 'Don't worry too much, you just need time to get back into the studying mode again...' Thanks guys! I want so much to believe that! But all my classmates are either really smart or scarily hardworking, constantly studying! Whereas I read slowly and also spend quite a bit of time stoning in between. Big sigh... :'(

2008-10-14T13:09:00.014+02:00

Warm weather (almost 20 degrees! Imagine that!), some studying (don't think I managed to do much of that though), a walk in the forest (cows, horses, bees), a quiet picnic (walnuts from the shell - call me swaku, but it's the first time I de-shelled them myself, oranges, apples - from the trees), a homecooked dinner (by yours truly! :p) , a quirky Japanese animation movie (Paprika), a drink at the bar (Kuckuck). Last Sat in a nutshell. In one word, fantastic! ^_^

Sun wasn't as exciting, but was still good; visited an international church, spoke to my family, baked an apple cake (I'm quite pleased that it's been well-received. :D), had a most yummy chili con carne for dinner (cooked by my dormmate) and then of cos' I tried to study... (whether anything went in, that was another matter...)

Now the pictures can give some details:

Of Fall, growing older and other randoms

2008-10-07T07:25:00.003+02:00

It's as if someone flicked a switch and the trees that had been green just the day before turned into flaming reds, resplendent orange and in-between rosy pinks that stood out brilliantly against the cold grey sky.

In a companionable (ok, I'm being a bit euphemistic here. more like awkward) silence, my Brazilian classmate and I walked down from our dorms to the graduate school last Sat afternoon to catch the rubber duck race (a charity event like what we had in Singapore years ago) held at the Neckar river.

Last Friday was a German holiday to mark their East-West reunification. In spite of the uncooperative weather in the morning (rainy), 4 of us headed to Stuttgart's Cannstatter Volksfest (much like the Oktoberfest in Munich but smaller). There was a big carnival with rides and food stalls selling chocolate-coated fruits, candies, caramel/sugared nuts, popcorn, ice-cream, crepes, pommes frites, calamari, various deep-fried yummies and of cos' there's the German bratwurst, currywurst etc. and small biergartens. However, the star attractions were the huge tents where people drink 1-litre mugs of (I'm tempted to call these tanks instead) beer, eat (roasted pork legs - haxe in German, chicken etc.), sing along to the songs and dance (on tables!). It was a fun day, even if it was quite cold. We went on a few rides (all so expensive though... about 4euros each!) and walked around the fair.

As we were chatting while strolling around, I sort of mentioned to my Brazilian classmate, that I thought he seemed upset with me a bit even though I barely talked to him last week. At first he said he'd talk to me about it another day. But then I cajoled him to tell me straight away, so he admitted that he was a little upset with me. And his reason was touching in a way. See, I have been quite homesick the last week or so and he could tell that I was down in the dumps somewhat. He said he couldn't understand why a smart girl (or so he thinks) who could do anything she put her mind to, cannot seem to see that herself and look forward to make the most of her time here. He quickly apologised if he'd been rude, but I thought it was very kind of him to care. And it really helped me start to climb out of the hole I'd been digging myself into...

With the beginning of school, one programming class last week (which I can hardly grasp half of!! Thankfully that wasn't a compulsory one for my course) and the Neuroanatomy class this week, I don't have much time for my mind to dwell on silly thoughts. And I've also met some people in my dormitory building who are quite nice, so that helps too. I still miss my family and friends but it's starting to be more bearable. It got me wondering if the reason for me feeling more homesick this time than when I was last away is cos I'm getting old?? haha... It was one of the quietest birthdays I've had for a while, but even so some of my classmates have been really sweet! (Mr Brazilian - Mac suggested this naming system for my classmates, bought me a slice of raspberry cake from the bakery, a Hungarian couple gave me a Ritter Sport chocolate. And the Sat just past, Miss Korean bought me a pair of cute Snoopy bedroom slippers!)

I really should count my blessings! ^_^ Ok, have to get back to my book (namely the very thick 'Principles of Neural Science').

Greetings from the land beyond

2008-09-27T18:49:00.004+02:00

Never thought I'd be so happy to see the sun (or Sonne as I learnt last week). Now I guess I can understand why Europeans would rush out when there's even a hint of sunlight. Over my last stay in Paris it was never so cold in autumn and we often see blue skies with a bit of le soleil.

It's been more than 2 weeks since I've arrived here in Tuebingen. And for the most part, the only sort of weather we've been having have been various degrees of cold or the sun plays hide-and-seek so it's warm one moment and cold the next.

I'm so behind on posting (A few drafts have accumulated since my last post which I hope I will finish up sometime soon). Today's my last totally free day. Tomorrow school starts for real. Am feeling somewhat nervous. Will I be able to learn as all the fresh graduates will, being the oldest person in the course?? Can I cope with school??

I miss my family, friends, rowing. The homesickness comes and goes. And it seems to hit the hardest over weekends. :( Not that I have anything to grouse about, the little town's pretty, (even if the living cost's quite high, quite unlike what the Prof here claimed) most of my classmates seem quite nice. I guess I'll get used to being away after a while.

Today's weather was beautiful so I went for an hour exploratory run in the afternoon. Along the way, there were big open green fields, horses, apple trees laden with so much fruit the branches drooped and smashed apples lay along the roads. I'd wanted to get to the woods my friends told me were nearby. I managed to find it and ran for as far as I thought I should go before I lose my way. I've lost much of my normal fitness, being out of it for so long now. Hope I'll be able to get back into it soon.

Not much has gone on in the past 17 days. (Has it really only been that? It felt like I've left for ages!! Sigh.) A lot of paperwork; opening bank account, getting matriculated, registered under the city, getting a mobile number etc. 3-hours of German class every afternoon (German's difficult!!). Then there was the going out for drinks almost every night (Swabian restaurant, Irish pub, Jazz bar...), else beer with dinner (not for me of cos. I'm still only on radlers). Almost all of my classmates love alcohol. One even declared it'll b one of his missions here to teach me how to drink! haha. The nights out were usually good fun, takes a bit of my mind off home. ^_^

One of the best evenings I've had so far was the Friday just past, at the house of good friends (Helen and Jan) of my friend (Xavier, who studied here before) and had introduced me to them over email. The couple's very warm and friendly (quite unlike the typical German - rather cold and distant). And their baby's so so cute!!! They made a very very delicious German-French dinner and Helen even lent me some warm clothes cos' I'd mentioned in one of my emails that it's really cold and I'd not expected it so bad.

One interesting (at least for me it was) place we visited was the Ritter Sport factory, about 20km outside of the town. Our German teacher brought us, because we were supposed to have a boat tour on the Neckar river but due to the crappy weather we couldn't go. We couldn't actually visit the factory but there was a small exhibition, all about Cacao and the Ritter brand. And a Schokoladenmarkt where u can buy all kinds of Ritter Sport flavours. It took a lot of restraint for me to just buy 2 kinds (imagine)! haha...

Ok, gotta hit the sacks now. I shall catch up again when I can. Good night.

Good food made better with fabulous company

2008-07-10T05:57:00.009+02:00

Dear Ms Mong graciously braved the sultry (too close to being unbearable) heat of Singapore's afternoon sun and went to Amoy Food Centre to tapao and deliver lunch for Christian and I. (Thank you! ^_^) There was beef noodles (above left), char kway teow (not pictured) and desserts - yam paste with caramelised pumpkin and gingko nuts (above right, with Christian), sesame and peanut paste and gingko nuts with barley and beancurd skin (both in my hands. see greedy me grinning so happily? :D) and finally the star of the day; durian ondeh-ondeh (below with Ms Mong)!!! In case you were wondering, yes, we were stuffed! haha.

This was rather pricey (at $1 a piece) but worth a try. The skin was soft, with a hint of pandan fragrance and the filling had a real durian-y omphf to it! (for lack of a better descripton. hee.)

(She hunted for the above food following recommendations from ieat - One of my favourite food blogs!)

The kind of entertainment you get on public transport... ;p

2008-07-07T12:30:00.023+02:00

First we saw this and it was soooo tough to keep our laughter under wraps.

Then we saw his reflection in the glass and that spelt the end of our discretion. The couple standing next to us were trying very hard to suppress their giggles too. The newest fashion we are not aware of?!?! Witness the merger of the white-collar (pun intended) and the sporty wear! He was also porting a light blue tie (which he was constantly adjusting, making sure it was in the right place) hidden under his neck and trainers tucked under the seat behind his backpack.

However much I wish I have a swanky sports car with a hunky chauffeur to send me to work instead of having to sweat (like a pig) while squeezing with tons of people on the bus and train, taking over an hour each way, once in a (long) while, the public transport redeems itself by providing occasional comic relief and oh-my-gawd moments. ;p

P.S.: I hope you don't think I'm too mean. It was just too funny not to share. hee.

Because it's pretty... =)

2008-07-07T12:30:00.016+02:00

My healthful and oh-so-colourful packed lunch, courtesy of Mum dearest! :D I looove salads (essentially vegetables in any form)! Maybe I was a rabbit in a previous life... haha. A result of the influence and education by mummy since young.

(Just in case you're curious, the picture on the left's organic brown rice with pumpkin and a Chinese medicinal root - I have no idea what its actual name in English is, I only know in Mandarin it's called huai2 shan1. The one on the right's an alfafa sprouts salad with sliced apples, Japanese momotaro tomatoes, kiwi, pineapple and mango. Very refreshingly yummy, I kid you not!!)

To the June that slipped away

2008-07-03T11:47:00.008+02:00

It seems like ages ago since I last blogged. Now coming back to it, I realised I missed the cathartic feel of it.

June flew by in her stifling, sticky heat, catch-you-unaware downpours and perhaps in all the weather madness, gave me a bit of a silly do-what-you-will courage.

I finally cut my hair (as short as I have ever had it for a long long time) and so far have not regretted it (easier to manage, especially during trainings, shorter drying time after washing, less hair loss maybe?) and even received some compliments that it suited me quite well. Some friends think I look very different (but didn't elaborate if it's a good difference or a bad one. hmm...), while others merely commented, 'Your hair just keeps getting shorter eh?'

Had a shopping and eating holiday in Bangkok sometime in the middle of June which would have been rather perfect if someone didn't throw tantrums and pulled a long face when she was tired. (right, Ms Mong? ;p) Ichaya was a fantastic tour guide and Myztika, her sis and Lokman more than great company for this trip! Thanks babes! (oh ya, and hunk! :D)

Last weekend there was the Singapore DragonBoat Festival 2008 where I received my 1st medals in the last major race I'd be taking part in in the near future.

A somewhat consequential decision was made a week before June clip-clapped off on her horses. I wish I could say I'm sure of it but most of it (at least to me, it seems) remains shrouded in a mist of uncertainty, the crossroads in front of me awfully vague. Maybe it'll all clear up soon (I hope) and I'll find out if my choice is the right one for me. I'm lucky my parents and sis have been very supportive. Without them and the friends who pushed me on with their encouragement, this period of time would have been more than stressful. Thank you! ^_^

Bubbly

2008-05-09T06:00:00.003+02:00

The cork popped and the pale golden fluid was poured into the curvy, shiny-till-you-can-see-your reflection glasses. Her gaze was irresistibly pulled towards them and it found that one little bubble, fighting and pushing its way upwards through many of its kind, determined as ever to be one of the first to reach the surface, whereupon it broke, like taking a breath of fresh air. That was perhaps what all of its 1 second of existence was about. As she sipped the traditionally celebratory drink and appreciated its sweetness on her tongue, she began to wonder if that which had gotten her heart jumping all over excitedly is really what she wants.

Ta-da!!!

2008-05-02T06:57:00.009+02:00

Ah, finally managed to get a new blogskin up. I made a simple one by referencing basic codes from blogskins on BlogSkins.com and used an image I put together roughly, so even though it's a bit of cheating and it's not fancy or anything, I'm quite happy with it. ^_^ Something to call my own, you know.

Life's been quiet (The same old routine, which could be good, or bad, guess it depends on how you take it). I realised there were some events that'd come and gone without me having had time to write about it. It's already May!!!

Take for instance, Good Friday when I brought my family and my cousin, Ru for a lunch treat (for Mum's birthday that Saturday) at The Line in Shangri-la. I remember clearly how when we were all getting dressed, my sis commented how it felt like Chinese New Year all over again. Because other than CNY, we rarely ever go out together as a family. A bit sad hor? I should defintely get everyone together more often for meals or maybe even excursions and holidays.

The getting there was a little hectic. Since there were 5 of us and we figured cabs would be rather hard to come by on a PH, we took the bus from our place and attempted to walk to the hotel from the bus stop at Far East, under the merciless sun. We took a wrong route (I totally blame my dad, he said he knew the way. hee. But he hasn't been to town since he stopped being a cabby and that was eons ago so he was rather quickly forgiven.) that brought us circling the back of Orchard Road but finally managed to find it. By which time we were all very sweaty and famished. Which brings me to our attack on the buffet! :p

My sis' and cousin's eyes doubled in size and lit up at the sight of the chocolate fountain and they wasted no time in getting their main courses out of the way so they could start on the tons of desserts available. My mum was surprisingly adventurous as she declared she was more interested in the stuff (such as the freshly-shucked raw oysters, other cold seafood, and unusual vegetables etc) she has never tried before. Some of them she liked, others she scrunched up her face when she tasted them. It was funny. :D My dad tried the oysters too and declared they tasted horrible. I had maybe 5 of them? They were really nice but I had to leave some space for other stuff. ha. Our table was a slight mess of various plates as we tried to get a sample of all the food. After stuffing our faces, the 4 of us took a walk around shopping while my cousin left to meet her friends. My dad valiantly stayed with us 3 women for some time, waiting while we pored over the sale items. My mum chased him off home to rest when he looked tired and my ladies both bought something (my mum a sweater, my sis a pair of cute shoes) on me. A great family day (even if my wallet was significantly smaller after)!!

On 6 April, Sunday afternoon, after my morning training, I met my sis and 2 of her friends for a play at the SRT. The Pillowman has a memorably dark plot, interjected with some very amusing dialogue. And the main actors were incredible! No wonder it was a soldout matinee.

The Tues just past, 29 April, I took the day off, laid in bed in the morning to read (annoyingly my body's alarm clock refused to snooze...) then went for a short trip to the zoo with Mac. It was fun, albeit very very hot! Some interesting things include this bat that unabashedly opened its wings, (which he normally keeps folded around himself while he rests hanging upside down from the tree branch) turned to the side and peed. hahaha. You might not be able to see the projectile curve of the pee in the photo (below) but that thing sticking out is, erhmm, you know, erhmm... his device. After the animal show at the Splash amphitheatre, I was lucky enough to be bestowed a kiss by Philippe, the sea lion. :D

Incidentally it was also Ben & Jerry's free cone day (heehee) and there's an outlet at the zoo (not many people there). So we pigged out (let's just say we had more than seconds...) on ice-cream!!! I am so off icecream for a month! haha...

2008-04-23T07:09:00.004+02:00

Hmm... okay... there seems to be some problem with the blogskin, possibly the image hosting server I loaded it up to is not working anymore. Anyway, about time I changed this blog around a bit. Let's hope I find something nice out there (since I'm not good enough to know how to make my own). And squeeze out time to 'pretty' up this space.

I forgot to say touchwood!

2008-04-03T07:16:00.008+02:00

I spoke too soon on my previous post I guess. The evils of the cold continued last week in a misery of nauseating, congested, unable-to-eat-even-if-I-am-hungry feelings.

That was finally over. Phew. Other than a trickle from the nose once in a few hours and reminants of a cough, I'm on my way back to normalcy.

(P.S.: Thank you, peeps, for your msgs!)

It doesn't feel like I lost any weight from the drawn-out illness. (Damn, isn't that the least it could have given me after putting me through so much torture???)

Guess the only good thing that came out of this long break was I managed to finish a book I've been borrowing and reborrowing from the National Library for a while; The Kite Runner. And though depressing it is, it's a very good book. One I couldn't put down once I have the time and attention for it. (Now I finally understand the 2 words Anantya used to put in her msn nick: zendagi migzara - life goes on.)

In the time I have been resting, my sister has also been sharing her latest drama fixation with me; House. It's highly addictive. Don't say I didn't warn you... :) Too bad I don't have much time to watch it now. I just catch snippets of whatever episode my sis is watching when I happen to be home.

Got to get into the lab. Catch you again soon!

This is not the way I want to spend my week

2008-03-28T08:13:00.002+01:00

I don't remember being this sick for a long long time.

It started with a tickle at the back of the throat. (I took my pi pa gao! But guess the following day that began under the scorching sun and ended in a bone-chilling rain didn't help matters much.)

Saturday night; a warm, uncomfortable pounding in the head. (Well, probably nothing the little white pills of Panadol extra can't cure.)

I must have aged a thousand years in one day. There was a wooden stiffness in my back where the muscles seem to have frozen up overnight so I walked slightly stooped. My bones as I leaned my weight on them felt anything but solid. The joints creaked as unoiled hinges would, ached as how I imagine arthritis must feel like. My throat, oh my throat, I wish it did not belong to me. Every swallow was a sharp knife jab. A coughing fit like many steel toothbrushes scrapping against raw flesh.

And the fever burned. Spiked out of control, up to 38.2 degrees. It would come down, slowly, with every 6-hourly dose of paracetamol but would as surely inch its way up again as the drug wears off. For 3 whole days, it'd cycle like this.

In the night, sleep did not come as it usually does for me. Every hour I'd wake, needing to pee from all the liquids I've been pouring through my system. Tossing and turning carefully not so much to find a comfortable position because there is none but in the hopes that there is one in which the body would not hurt so much.

The fever stopped coming back after the 3rd day, thankfully. But in its place was a headache which tortured with every turn of head, every cough, almost every movement. And a blocked nose which refused to clear. (Have you ever tried to breathe through your mouth as you eat?)

Day 5, I struggled back to work. Starting with dinner the night before, the body has refused to keep the food that I've painstakingly made myself swallow several mouthfuls of, down for more than a few minutes.

The little button nose has started to run now (which I think is slightly easier to handle than a blocked one). The cough is still there. But today's a big improvement. I still feel a little weak, tired. But most of the horrors of the cold is over I'm glad to say.

A room with a view

2008-03-19T06:11:00.005+01:00

Woohoo, I've been upgraded to a window seat!! haha.

Early last month I was transferred to another team (hence the change of desks). Just in case you were wondering, it was the request of my big Boss. (My little boss and I was summoned into his office via an email one day and he told me then, I had no inkling of it before.) Boohoo, he kicked me out cos' my 2 projects which I worked so hard on turned out to be rubbish... :'( Anyhow it's a good thing cos' I'd be learning new things and actually be working with some cool people. So now here I am, sneaking a few minutes to write while waiting for my homemade lunch to arrive (there, there now, don't be jealous... ;p), with a nice glimpse of the outside world (boy, it looks like it's gonna start raining soon!!). I apologise for my absence. No muse for writing lately and work's been keeping me on my toes in the lab. I started a few drafts (Hong Kong and some other randoms) and they're still sitting there, waiting to be finished. I'd really want to finish them up sometime when I have the luxury of time and energy.

I remember when I used to blog regularly, most times about my weekends and what I did. But I haven't been doing that much and it seems like a bit of a pity since there're some stuff I'd love to write down so I'd remember them. For example the Sun (17 Feb) when I brought my sis and nephew to the zoo. (hee, I especially love the one where they're both asleep on the bus on the way home. :D)

A few dinners here and there with good company and gorgeous food!!! (I have pictures! Though that'll have to wait till I have time to sift through them and put them together - which as usual, will take me forever... hahaha)

Last Sat when a b*tch spoiled my (almost entire) weekend for me (I don't really know her so I don't actually understand why her meaness affected me but let's not talk about this). Grrrr...

Hmm... that's all I can think of right now. Oh ya, I owe S1lvara a meme. I still remember, girl! Will do that soon, promise! hee. And I can't wait to meet up with Myztika and babes to discuss a possible trip to Bangkok in June!! Haven't seen them in what feels like ages!! I miss the twit gang! ^_^

It'll be busy this afternoon. Hope I'll get to eat soon. Will go do some work now. Ciao!

Typing is a challenge when you have a rat on one arm

2008-01-29T08:44:00.000+01:00

Am in the lab, 'playing' with my rats. 5 mins with each one, 40 of them, every day for this week.

Funny how I only get the feeling to write when I'm in the lab. I'm not dragging my feet to work as much as I used to, though some mornings, it's still hard to get myself out of the house. Guess it happens to everyone. It appears that I might get to learn other stuff now so that's good. Now and then I still wonder if I'm suited for research. (Not nearly smart enough you see.) But at interesting meetings and talks, I continue to find myself mesmerised, wishing I could produce quality work like that and speak about it with such fevour and knowledge.

Last week, a friend was trying to convince me to try out for SIA's recruitment drive (held last Sun) with him. I contemplated. But didnt bother in the end. It was tempting, (if I do get through, that is) a break from Science (to ponder about what I might be good at, maybe?), the travelling. But I worry about being told I don't look good enough for this 'waitress-in-the-air' job. (This is my personal opinion of the job; not saying it's accurate, and certainly I'm not attempting to belittle it. Apologies to air crew out there if you feel offended.) He got through (all 4 interviews) and according to him, he thinks they're not looking for appearances but more personality (??? I have my doubts). Anyhow, I can't imagine I'd be able to pull it off (especially the smiling-the-whole-time part) and even if I do, I can't bear to think of giving up rowing. But said friend has not given up on trying to persuade me to go for the next round of recruitment (24 Feb, apparently they're very short on manpower now). Well, we'll see, maybe I might just drag myself there (after training on Sunday) so I could tell him 'I told you so' when I don't get through even the first interview.

I've been not been disciplined enough for the gym this week (there goes 1 of my few resolutions for this year in the very first week!!) and pigging out more. haha. *Sigh* Am promising myself I'd get back on the ball after CNY. (oh, the feasts and snacks!!)

On a happier note, I managed to book a budget flight to Hong Kong at the end of Feb! Yay!!! haha. Can't wait!!! My travelling companion's a special someone *winks* and she has a cousin who's working there so we get free accomodation!!! Holidays are what keep me going. I already want to plan for my next trip! So, babes (you know who you are), when are we going to Bangkok??? ^_^

Deux mille huit

2008-01-22T10:47:00.000+01:00

The new year breezed in on me it seemed. I barely had time to register the departure of 2007, much less reminisce about it before it was over. Not sure I'd have much to say in the department of personal accomplishments, so I think I won't even attempt to go there. (so depressing...) I don't have high, lofty resolutions for 2008 but for a start I think I shall aim to get my ass back into my workout routine in order to get rid of the pesky pounds I've gained over the indulgent festive season. (Argh, but CNY is in less than a month!!! Ah, more good food!!!)

Quite a few things (interesting or not) have happened since I last wrote (so many drafts still sitting there from 2007). But it seems impossible to record them all down 'post-mortem'. Guess I just haven't felt like writing even though I've been stuck sitting at my desk, staring at the com. (I'm not sure I feel lucky not having to be in the lab all day like I used to.)

Had over a month break from rowing the end of last year (and a few weeks off from gym). The new season just started (Had my 1st 2 trainings last weekend) and I felt torn between itching to pick up my paddle again and my inertia and laziness. ha.

That break from the sports meant I had some time for partying (my first Zoukout! and I heard possibly the last, a couple of house parties (Big Boss's housewarming, at a friend's friend's New Year's countdown), some clubbing (let's see; Thumper, Butter Factory, Play, Attica, OneNightStand, Taboo), impromptu poolside pigging out and drinking with some teammates, lots of food (company's early Xmas dinner at The Line, Shangri-la, organised by yours truly, our family's own Xmas dinner in the form of a steamboat, then a second round of Xmas popiah dinner at a friend's, dinners at Ding Tai Feng, Ricotti, Menotti, The French Stall, Baikohken ramen lunch, chilled-out lunch at Changi Sea Sports club, etc... and let's not forget all the holiday chocolates everyone was giving everyone), my 1st half marathon (Managed to complete it under 2.5 hours, which was my target - not impressive, but hey, I didn't train much for it), a long weekend getaway with some family members (Genting and KL), catching up with friends and shopping (sales everywhere!!! But I didn't find anything I could buy... *sad*).

On the first Friday of the new year, Big Boss brought our team out for a treat. Everyone got a half-day off to go shooting (so fun!!! Even if my aiming was not that great and I got a bruise on my shoulder. I improved on my 2nd round though.) in Bukit Timah and pizzas and drinks at Greenwood avenue after. Afterwards it was our dear Ichaya's birthday chalet. We played snatch scrabbles (is that what it's called?), charades and chit-chatted till daybreak. It was pouring sheets of rain on Sat when I arrived in Kallang from the chalet and we rowed in the rain when it was less crazy. Then Sun was so freaking hot I was 'cooked' when we were finished with training!! Singapore's weather... O_o

Over the 2nd week, I managed back into training (gym and the full weekend training) but it seemed like my body's going lazy again. (Just this last weekend, I skipped both my Sat late afternoon to go shopping and Sun morning training to sleep in, then go shopping. haha. Terrible!!) And am giving gym a miss tonight to meet a friend for dinner. Wahahaha... fat me.

Erm, so far, that's my in-a-nut-shell catch-up for 2008. (Don't think anyone missed my absence on this blog? Did you?)

She

2007-12-10T06:57:00.000+01:00

bought her a slice of chocolate cake when buying a teammate's birthday cake (carrot) just because of her passing comment, 'Pity it's not chocolate';
waited over an hour to catch a glimpse of her at her void deck one morning when she heard she was unwell the night before;
made herbal tea for her when she was ill;
specially went to Chinatown to pick up desserts she thought she'd like;
sends her home;
gets worried about her when she's out late;
thinks that suddenly 'the whole world' is also interested in her;
is fun to be with, cute when irritated;

What's there not to like?
Except getting her head around the fact that she too, is a girl.

When tragedy hits too close to home

2007-11-27T04:35:00.000+01:00

I look around, staring incomprehensively at the seemingly undisturbed rest of the world, half-expecting earth to have stopped spinning on its axis and halted its revolution around the sun.

The things that make me happy... :)

2007-11-01T12:09:00.000+01:00

Food. And training. Quite simple, isn't it? ^_^

In the last month, I've been lucky to be invited for 2 Hari Raya visits, one at my beloved Myztika's place and the other at my esteemed captain's place. And oh my, the food!!! All home-made and so delicious I couldn't stop eating... and eating and eating!

It was really nice to see the Twit gang (and then some for example Miss Anantya!) again. We had a riot catching up over dinner. (As usual Daryl was the great entertainer. :D) Myztika has promised pics coming up, so hang on! :)

I've wanted to write for a while. But work's been rather occupying, surprisingly. I've had a tiny (the tinniest) promotion which meant my job title now has a more euphemistic ring to it. But nothing much on the pay end. Sigh. I suppose I should just be happy that at least my hard work in the past (coming to) 2 years has been recognised some. There's no money to be had in Science anyway, I've always known that. Ok, so the good news is out, now the bad news: yesterday we just had a big meeting with our UK headquarters and it appears that some jobs are going to be at risk from the restructuring. The director has said she's not sure if Singapore will be affected, so we'll just have to keep our fingers and toes crossed and see how it goes. I'm a little worried. Since both my projects have not been working so far, now that one is scrapped for sure and the other is hanging in the balance, I might become redundant very soon... O_o

Well, I'm not going to think about that too much. (yet.) I shall focus on the races this weekend first. Been training hard for the River Regatta lately. An average of 3 training sessions every Sat and Sun. So now I'm more than a little brown. haha. Last night, my girls' team in our last ditch attempt to get our act together, we had our first night training in Kallang. Quite fun. But damn tiring. Especially moving the boat into and out of the waters. Somehow I still don't feel very prepared... *Pre-race jitters* Hope the left shoulder muscle I pulled a few trainings ago won't give me too much grief.

A date(s) to remember

2007-10-31T08:22:00.000+01:00

Has any of you ever thought it might be fun to try out speeddating once just to see what it's like? I have. And I did. A few Fridays ago, 19 Oct. Back then, out of curiousity, (and the thought that I'd most probably not get picked, and cos' the goodie bag sounded really enticing) I'd registered for it from the link a colleague sent out.

It was organised by Class95, in The Line Terrace at Shangri-la hotel. I was impressed when I stepped into the venue. Held in the alfresco of the restaurant surrounded by a small garden with warm-hued lighting (the kind which makes everyone and everything look nice. ^_^), it was beautiful.

And slightly nerve-wrecking, cos' I was a little late and everyone/everything looked so polished (while I must look like a madwoman with my hair totally dishevelled from rushing out of the gym).

Once the person-in-charge id-ed me, I was given a number tag and sat down at my assigned table (the guys'll be the ones flitting from one table to the next).

It was interesting (not to mention, very tiring) to go through 3 mins of (almost continuous) chatting (which includes a lot of repetition, as you might expect) with 20 people. Most of the guys seemed nice enough. There were a few weird personalities. (which I won't elaborate here. So if you want the juicy gossip, you'd have to get it from me in person. ha.)

There was a finger food buffet at the end of the event and boy was it good!!! And the petit fours were so very pretty!!!

The goodie bag wasn't as good as they'd claimed it to be but it wasn't too bad either. There was a stylish-looking necklace from SooKee Jewelleries (for the girls), some shopping vouchers, a movie pass etc.

Some of us exchanged contacts and namecards and promised to get in touch again. And we have since met up once last Friday for drinks in The Acid Bar. Good live music, great company. All in all, the event I'd thought was slightly embarrassing (I mean, aren't speeddating for ermm... socially less-than-apt people???) turned out rather well and my aim of making new friends accomplished. :D

P.S.: There're photos of the event on Class95's website I think. Thank God there weren't many photos of me in them cos' the few I was in looked absolutely terrible!

Happy coming-of-age babe!

2007-10-15T08:59:00.000+02:00

My dear lil' sis turned 21 yesterday! :) Along with a cousin who's a day older than her. The extended family (mum's side) had a lunch celebration for the 2 pretty girls at our place. As is the usual practice when my maternal side of the family gets together, we had a huge homecooked feast. And this time, my aunt also ordered pizzas. And with fruits and the delicious birthday cakes (one for each of them) for dessert, we were as stuffed as you can imagine!!!

I haven't had a chance to get her a present. But I think she was very happy with the hazelnut crunch birthday cake which I'd bought from a friend of mine. It was absolutely gorgeous, both in the presentation and taste. Chocolate haven! Ah... ^_^ And a small bouquet of flowers each for her and my cousin.

After the extended lunch, my elder cousin, Tracy wanted to go for a walk in Pierce reservoir so my sis and I went along with her family. I was surprised to see a lot of people when we arrived. The setting kind of reminded me of Europe my walks in the gardens there and how a lot of people hang out in the parks when the weather's good. We sat and watched the sunset. And attempted to catch little fish and prawns with the nets we had. When it started getting dark, we left.

The rest of the night was spent watching tv with the family. And brought to conclusion a very perfect Sunday. :D

2007-10-09T09:27:00.000+02:00

A lone drop from the tear-brimmed eyes slipped down her left cheek, unable to complete its journey as it was way-laid by the flimsy white mask she wore across her face.

2007-10-08T09:36:00.000+02:00

Last weekend as weekends go, swept by in a whirlwind.

I made it through 3 training sessions in the 2 days, met up with the lovelies for Arnold's Chicken on Sat evening and a walk (so extremely hot and very very packed) through Geylang Serai after dinner to absorb the festive atmosphere. The girls surprised me with belated present, Kenzo's Flower. SOoo sweet!!! (Unless of cos' you're implying that I stink... O_o haha. I know it's not, right???) Thanks babes!!!

After Sun morning's training, it was all I could do not to fall asleep right there at the table in the hawker centre along Beach Road where my team had lunch together. Naturally I dragged my aching self home and bummed the rest of day away. Couch potato!!! haha. With the whole family. I could do this everyday. Train, hang out with my friends, eat and watch tv with my family. *wistful sigh*

2007-10-04T13:00:00.000+02:00

A nameless sardine struggling to find a tiny bit of existential space amongst the tons of different shapes and sizes of its compatriots in a tomato sauce-filled can. The image that inevitably formed in my mind's eye as I stepped into the evening rushhour.

Trying my best not to stick my elbow into anyone's face, I reached into my bag for my book. One which I'd at first skeptically dismissed as 'too girly'. (With a corny title like 'The shape of my heart', who wouldn't?) But, for lack of a better choice, I'd grudgingly picked it up off the pile of books my cousin gave us. I hadn't expected it to take me into the characters' lives, tease out wry smiles with the witty remarks they make and from time to time, I catch myself just in time before my laugh burst out in snots. Now I find myself having to pry the book out of my fingers when putting it down.

Moving into the cabin, my concentration broken, I looked up and spied my reflection in the dark glass window. I stare at my longish hair, remembering how much I've wanted it snipped off recently. It doesn't look too bad sometimes, I thought, twisting the ends around my fingers. I've been oscillating between states of an utter impatience to get it cut short and a lingering hesitation of missing my locks. Ah, decisions... and their consequences...

I bit lightly on my lower lip, an unconscious habit of mine when the mind's chugging along, still tasting the macchiato I'd gulped down just before I left the office in an attempt to force my eyes open and wake my sleeping muscles up. Closing my eyes for a couple of seconds I tried to prepare myself mentally for the gruelling spinning class ahead.
*Ding Dong*
Ok, time to get sweaty!